Intj male dating an infj female


  2. The Surprising Thing About Dating an INTJ, as an INFJ
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This particular relationship has been different to the rest. From the onset, I was determined to let my boyfriend understand that he must not confuse his initial level of comfort around me with us sharing a much deeper connection at the start. Maybe I was just being over cautious but I will explain below why I did not need to go through any of that with him. I believe that people often overlook any pairing of the INFJ with an introvert for fear that too much introversion in the relationship might lead to emotional incompatibility, or possibly a lack of balance in the relationship.

From my own experience, I find most extroverts to be too much to take. I like to think of myself as being a shy peacock. Now imagine a garden full of peacocks. Now imagine another peacock who has his feathers readily on show for all to see and thrives from being surrounded by all these humans in awe. This is how I see most extroverts and I honestly would not be able to cope.

Partly because I find the most extroverts actually discourage me from coming out of my shell because of how present they are; I feel as though I do not have space to be myself because they are just so.. What got my attention when I met my boyfriend was: I had not met someone who made me feel like I was looking into a mirror, but with a deeper voice, more confidence and self assurance.

I had not even considered his personality type or how compatible we may be because it all went very smoothly.

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From my own empirical evidence, we are very compatible, share similar values and we generally have the same approach to life. The INTJ boyfriend will be reading a book on one side of the room and I will be truly demolishing noobs on league of legends. I do not like big groups. He is a lot more social that I am and has different groups of friends the mind boggles. He gets this and has always gone out of his way to make sure I am not in a situation like that, or if I have to be, that I am not there longer than necessary.

When meeting his best friend, I am aware that he agave him a talking to to not freak me out. Turns out his bestie was an INFJ and we got on rather well! We take turns talking and are both really good listeners. On this front, we get on like a house on fire. I do have to nudge him every now about communication because he sometimes seems to rely on me bringing things up before he lets it rip.


We enjoy discussing big ideas and solving the worlds troubles over dinner. We have similar views on the big things and occasionally disagree. I appreciate the viewpoint he brings to the conversation as he is very rational and everything seems to be black and white to him sometimes, which boggles my righteous, overly humanitarian mind. We enjoy talking about the future.

Him more so than me as I appear to be the risk averse one. I have attributed this to the ordinary fears of an INFJ when in any intense relationship. We do seem to lack interest in everyday living. I cannot say that I spend that much time obsessing over the ironing or the washing. Mind you, until earlier this year, my dear boyfriend had existed on this earth without owning an iron. We are both young professionals and I suspect a large part of our desire to succeed in our careers is so that we can hire a few assistants in later life.

So this is where we start to diverge. Me and my boyfriend are both introverted intuitive types. However, we externalise our introverted intuitive perceptions differently. The primary difference comes down to Thinking vs Feeling.

For the majority of the time, our temperaments are similar. Everything can be packaged in his little Thinker head. He is one of the few people I know who can take criticism and make an action plan from it without taking offence. I call him Action Plan Man. He tackled the problem with military precision and would completely phase out for an hour a day whilst completing the mission. He asked for my input throughout the whole process and he took all my feedback well and continued on his little mission.

I cannot speak for him on this matter without tooting my own horn. Sometimes I notice how straightforward with me he is and have to remember not to take offence because a large part of the internalisation is to do with INFJs being sensitive to all emotions. So when my thinker boyfriend says something bluntly without meaning anything ill at all, it always evokes a larger than expected reaction from me. In this respect I do believe that this is where we are well balanced. I just started getting into this and I'm not sure if that's a possible thing, to switch out a personality type's subcategory, but reading the Ne it fits him much more.

He's more of an antisocial quiet guy on purpose because it's what he likes, and not because he has problems talking to people and making friends. But he has pretty good social awareness, and a great, off beat, sense of humor. That's not how functions work.

The Surprising Thing About Dating an INTJ, as an INFJ

Functions and how they're stacked order of preference determine type. If you've only been typed by online tests, I'd highly reccommend researching the functions, determining which are used and the preferred order of use--then you can determine type. I wasn't thinking he "prefers" to be that way but when I read about "Ne" as a separate category by itself it fit him more. There's also a site I've been reading up on who said an INTJ personality can be complimented with an "extroverted N" which led me to believe it could be changed in his lifetime.

I'll research some more. After rereading what I got my information from I think it does make sense still. Ne deals with seeing how all things in life are interrelated, and allows the user to see the world in multiple different perspectives. They have extraverted intuition as their first main function. The Ne user tends to have a very creative mind. He only switch from a P to a J after joining the military and becoming a father. Whether your are a judger or a perceiver depends entirely on your first extroverted function.

Judging functions are decision making functions, and perceiving functions are information gathering functions. MBTI is about your preference for your four most conscious functions. These are classified as your dominant function, your auxillary function, your tertiary function and your inferior function. Preference means precisely that--you prefer to use the function before using other ones. That doesn't mean you can't use other functions, and use them well, just like you can learn to write with your non-dominant hand. Because this is a preference, you can't change type.

You can become skilled in using functions that you don't prefer, but your type is always your preference, and your preferred functions will always feel slightly more comfortable than your non-preferred functions, regardless of how developed they are. If an individual has a clear and observable preference for Ne, then Ne will likely be either their dominant or axuillary function.

This can be difficult for observers to identify which one it is, however, as the first extroverted function it will be the one that they interact with the world with--also, if Ne is a clear preference, then they are a type that ends in P, as it's a perceiving function. Deciding whether Ne is a dominant or auxillary function can be determined by how an individual gathers their energy--if it is by themselves, then it is the auxillary function, as the first function would be introverted, but if it is with other people, then it is the dominant function, as it is extroverted and therefore the auxillary function would be introverted.

Function stacking is important in determining type, as functions manifest differently depending on where in the function stack they sit. Here's a resource on how the functions manifest in different stack orders. The functions and stacks are a lot to digest, but they're how MBTI type is determined--identify the functions used and the order of preference, and that is how you identify MBTI type. I can't say definitively without seeing the site for context, but I'd hazard a guess that they were indicating that INTJs are benefitted by individuals who utilise Ne, as opposed to developing it for themselves.

This is a common belief, that opposite functions provide insight and balance to friendships and relationships, particularly Ni-Ne, as Ni focusses on one possibility whereas Ne explores many. A strong Ni user discussing ideas with a strong Ne user will likely uncover options that they hadn't considered. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, holy crap this make so much sense. Okay yes, That's what I meant if they aren't skilled in it, it could be a clashing point. He had to develop it as a skill, it didn't come naturally. I've been working on determining people's types without mistaking learned skills for natural personality.

People skills are something I have to develop as a skill, and I literally just found out about mbti this week, so I've been obsessively trying to absorb as much of this information as possible.

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Thank you for explaining this so well. It takes a while to really wrap your head around all of the MBTI stuff--took me a few years before I really felt like I fully understood the eight functions and how they tend to manifest. We're each other's best friends. He's the only person who can really follow my internal thought trains without me having to explain every last connection, and whether it's a theoretical conversation or a practical problem, we both have different perspectives that the other won't have considered, which adds depth and gives us more options. In the earlier days, his desire to fix the root cause of everything lead to some frustrations--sometimes I just needed to vent about something, and didn't need advice on how to "fix" the situation, but over time he's come to realise that sometimes, "fixing the problem" is just letting me getting something off of my chest and I don't actually need anything more than that.

Additionally, my internal logic doesn't always match up to his external logic, so that would frustrate the hell out of hm. I've learned to take a step back and actually listen to what he's suggesting, because he can probably see a more effective way through than I can. The key, as with all relationships, is communication. You both have to be able to communicate why you're frustrated and how it can be addressed, then agree to take those steps or find a compromise. In my experience, though, frustrations are few and far between, and the connection we have is just amazing. We also both completely respect one another's need for space, and can spend time together doing our own thing, which is nice--there's no pressure to perform or go out or to sacrifice one person's needs for the other.

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Oh Lordy am I weird for only dating estp? Any time an introvert gets with another introvert it seems to work so well. I have a couple of other really good NT friends, who I feel respect and admire me. They often ask my advice or opinion. To be honest, if any MBTI grouping looks down on me, it's SJ's for some reason more for my interest in impractical things like religious discourse, philosophy, poetry and literature. He respects me on a level I haven't been before. Im not stupid and I think he's fully aware of that.

You are Lucky then if an INFJ Loves You

While I get that our world is more idealistic than INTJs and that can make us appear as naive and stupid, that's a flaw in you, not me. If you don't take the time to appreciate the beauty I bring to the world with this point of view, then you are missing out. I know some INTJs that really appreciate my idealistic view of the world and, while they don't see it the same way, they see the fact that I am not dumb or naive.

That actually hasn't been my experience at all. I've never exactly dated an INTJ, but I've noticed that the ones I've encountered in classes have usually taken a fast liking to me.

INFJ-INTJ: The Dark Horse of Ideal INFJ Relationships – Youtopia Project

Like, wanting to study with me, initiating conversations with me. Usually quite the opposite. STs sometimes think I'm just straight up stupid, though. I'm really dumb from a sensor perspective a lot of the time. This has been my experience as well. No Intuitive personality type thinks I'm stupid.