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He also understands that I need to emote and talk, and that shutting down is not often an option with me. Both types are intuitive, and my husband can glean things from others and a room environment as well. So many times I have pointed out to my husband that a certain individual is shady, only to have him roll his eyes and shrug me off. I have predicted many an outcome to a variety of situations, and still he wobbles when I tell him I can see and feel things.
Even considering these inherent differences, we can learn from each other using what we know about ourselves.
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My emotional sensitivity wears me down at times, but my husband teaches me to separate myself from the emotions of others. Because my husband is less emotionally afflicted than me, he can be unaware of how someone might receive something he says. My husband told me shortly after we met that he found me intimidating.
I thought this was completely ridiculous because:. The challenge of getting to know him was a refreshing one, as I had to work hard for it. But as soon as I spent a little time with him and heard his witty, sarcastic humor, I was hooked. I could see and feel things then just like I can now, and my intuition told me this was going to be way more than I ever expected.
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3 thoughts on “The Surprising Thing About Dating an INTJ, as an INFJ”
All of these comments are cracking me up: I could have written this myself, almost word for word. I felt the exact same! It felt very surreal reading when they met, he was with someone else at the time, she being sociable and whatnot, it felt like my own lige for a bit. So strange lol I feel like this opened a positive doorway to my own relationship with my intj man.
My partner is strongly INFJ. For us, this is a very lovely pairing too.
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We get along almost effortlessly, and this became apparent almost as soon as we met. If you reverse the gender, much of what you describe applies in our case. He is teaching me a little more about myself, and I am finding a gentler side — embracing mercy over justice in my approach to life and other people a little more if you like, while I think I am teaching him to trust in himself more, and not care so much about the opinions of others. I guess though that goes in a pairing of any kind.
Thank you for the feedback???? I really enjoy female INTJs, as well see my most recent post. The emotional aspect of his mind is what always intrigued me because he always appears so outwardly cold, but I can see the wheels of emotion turning inside his head. I understand the eye roll! Not sure I have any useful advice, but I do know that behind the high-powered logic is an intuitive who is capable of understanding you. He may know you better than you think — they pay close attention????
I am 34 divorced 2x and I can honestly say I have never been happier. We just get each other — good and bad — and allow each other to be who we are independently and in the relationship. Wish I would have met him many years ago, but happy I have him now. Yeah this is my 11 year relationship also except even as the infj, I am way less introverted than my intj husband.
I always say married people should hate most of the same things rather than love most of the same things…this is a great example of why. Just as long as someone helps the other not be a total shut in I make most of our friends then I see nothing dark about it. He rather read on the beach than go into the jungle. I usually wish to be with someone who would pull me out once in a while. I would say he has a lot of people in his life- but he seems to have trouble differentiating who is worth giving attention to.
I hope this helps. One of my great loves was an INTJ. The whole rational vs. Makes me miss him, but also smile and feel warm inside. Never have I fallen in love with someone so quickly. Never have I fallen for someone so intensely and so quickly. We had the best conversations just laying on the bed talking about anything from odd theories on life, to political conservations, to just plain goofy moments with him doing his funny lisp or little dance.
It was definitely one for the books. Thanks for writing this piece! Even that we are so different and the same. We have also the same personalities as you two. Never thought I'd be talking about my wife over the Internet. Well, there's a first time for everything. My wife is INFJ. She's my best friend and we complement each other. We've been together for roughly 10 years. She's the only person I can cohabitate with for a long time. She is my corrective, I'm her's.
I trust her, I respect her - and I challenge her on a frequent basis.
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I'm not a touchy-feely guy, but I can say beyond any doubt: I'd daresay we're such a good fit due to parallels in our nature genetics and nurture upbringing. She's learned not to be miffed by my blunt way of confronting her with evidence. Which means, I'm usually right in arguments, discussions and problem solving. She hates my being passionately dispassionate during arguments - which only encourages me to be as ANAL as possible during arguments.
She's not shy about pointing out my shortcomings - which I really appreciate. She's having my back and I'm having her's. We've been through a lot, together. But we just were a perfect fit from the get-go.
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To give you an example: I'm very good at being shitty with my body. When running on fumes, I've learnt to run business emails by her before sending them. Which turned out to be a good thing if I want business to run as smoothly as possible. Although I don't agree with the way she's going about certain things, I respect her. When coming up with strategies to solve her challenges, she won't always accept my solutions.
Sometimes on account of them being too harsh. Sometimes because she underestimates the consequences of failure because she prefers to see the good in people. I'll still try to show her the shortcomings of her strategies, but I respect her to apply her own solutions. In these cases, I'm prepared to step in should things go south. I'm not fond of her failing, but I won't think less of her for failing. I respect that she's learned to be more adaptable since we've been together. Over the years, this dynamic led to me applying more empathy to my solutions.
Conversely, she also learned to take a page out of my book to confront tricky situations. I'd daresay this warrants correction. I'm mids, had my fair share of relationships and adventures and I'm what's usually labelled a 'macho'. Not in the sexist sense, but in the 'I know what I want I'm doing what it takes to get it My word is my bond' sense. The reason I'm talking about my wife in such a praising manner is that I hold her in the highest regard. If you don't mind me asking I had to ponder how to put in words what I felt when I've met her and got to know her.
My short answer would be: I got to know her better very fast which isn't unusual for me , but also let her in quite fast which is very unusual for me. Why did I do it? For the first time in life as far as I could remember , of course , I could allow myself to fully relax. Until then, I hadn't even realized how unrelaxed I had been.
But there's a clear distinction between being level-headed and prepared to attack any problem thrown at you and true relaxation. To be more precise, allow me to answer your question in retrospect: She has the courage to remain pure and friendly towards the world despite having been treated very badly. She's warm, outgoing, enjoys the small things in life, all while being loyal, extremely open-minded and authentic. On top of that, once she's committed to a goal which usually only happens when she's emotionally invested , she's gutsy, even when utterly afraid and the odds are stacked against her.
She sees me, gets me and accepts me - despite my having traits she doesn't like, but which are necessary. These are the qualities that drew her to me obviously, this sounds like bragging, but I just asked her - rest assured, I have lots of shortcomings and obviously, my admitting to these stems from my being trained by my wife to make my audience feel more sympathetic towards me: I'm both a think tank and a physical tank note: My being level-headed and not playing pseudo-alpha games chest thumping and the like , but fully capable and ready to assert myself if need be.
My no-nonsense attitude or 'macho': I state and pursue what I want and I usually get it conversely, my word is my bond and I deliver what I promised and take accountability when I don't I'm very utilitarian and do what needs doing, even if it costs me. My being a sly fox if need be: My dark humour or better: Or when coming up with a solution to a problem. My revealing my empathic side only to her full disclosure: I'm glad you could take something from it.
Despite my initial skepticism, I must admit to being quite fascinated by this model. Totally feels this way for me too. We were friends for two years before we decided to let it be more, although I always knew it would be more And it does feel great to be understood. I'm always wary of anyone who says me or other INTJ females are "not like other girls. Well I just mean I've always found it extremely difficult to get along with other females authentically. It's not such a stretch for me to admit that I think and feel different then most girls. All those things you mentioned are definitely not a gender specific trait.
Totally fine to not gel with people due to different personalities, etc but I'd suggest possibly being cautious when attributing personality traits to gender. I cringed reading that part in your initial post.
Intj Female Dating Infj Male | ВКонтакте
Excuse me if I come off rude, but I would prescribe to you a cold shower of self-doubt and evaluation of social conditioning daily for a few months. There is not much to say if there is a deeply rooted belief that [in essence] males and females are mentally different. Which, of course, they are not.
I have stopped being friends with many people like you described and never thought that it was because of their gender. More of 'oh, this isn't my kind of person'. Which is what I always think about people that never question society's expectations. It's clear, intj's don't like the things you described, but we are also able to understand that they stem from social conditioning. Treatment of young women as such also stems from social conditioning.
Maybe if you didn't think that women were inherently like that you would find more like-minded female friends. I completely agree with this, I went to an all girls high school and honestly never found it difficult to find other girls to be friends with. Heck a girl from my school went to a co-ed school and came back and reported that the boys created more drama and gossip than girls. It would be a shame to write off a large percentage of the population like that. Don't know why that is.
I think INFJs would make great friends though- but the lack of NT ness would lead me to feel unfulfilled, as if something were missing. It ends up a nice balance because they're able to stimulate their Ni I think successfully. Generally I even get tired of close friends in my space too much and crave alone time.
It's something I really haven't had that need for. Tried it with an infj girl. Bottled her feelings up too much.