- See a Problem?
- Can You Have it All? Hell Yeah!
- The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible
- The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible by Ali Binazir
- Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer
Until this day nearly 2 years after reading the book! You changed my life. I purchased this book after reading many amazing views from Amazon. Rated the best selling dating book. Much of the content is digested and regurgitated how to love yourself theories. Whilst I definitely think this is true the book didn't really tell me anything that I hadn't already read from other such books. I soon discovered the reason for the positive reviews from Amazon. The author offers each reviewer that leaves a review on Amazon a 15 minute coaching slot. So who would want to leave a ba I purchased this book after reading many amazing views from Amazon.
So who would want to leave a bad review knowing that you can obtain a coaching session for nothing. I wouldn't rush to recommend this book. This is one of those books, particularly with that title, that you're almost loathe to add to your reading list just because it's going to pop up on everyone's feed. But a friend of mine got a kick out of and forwarded me one of Dr. Ali's Huffington Post articles on dating for people that are too smart for their own good. And I was so impressed with his perspective and tell-it-like-it-is approach e.
The overall message is a good one, and the Taoist philosophy really works well here. Finding someone and loving someone should not be a drag or a chore. Trying to force something to work for the sake of it is not likely to go well. And everyone already has everything they need to accomplish that. As with any self-help, advice-type book, there are going to be parts that resonate and parts that don't, and this one is no exception. There were parts I loved and others that annoyed me so much I actually blacked them out.
I would recommend taking some of the science parts with a grain of salt - at some points Dr. Ali is good at admitting he's taking complex, multi-faceted, on-going research and distilling it into a sound bite but he's not consistent. Particularly with the gender differences and some of the belief stuff earlier on in the book.
And some of the "science" is a bit of a stretch or just plain bad. Case in point, in one exercise you're asked to twist around as far as you can, then IMAGINE yourself being able to twist your torso around and around again, and then repeat, seeing if you can actually twist further the second time.
Is it the power of visualization, as Dr. Ali and his "science" suggests, or more that you limbered yourself up by twisting the first time? Ali's description of Taoist philosophy, that is, it was way oversimplified and cursory. But given Taoism, that either wouldn't make much sense or would be a compliment.
So, instead, I'll say that if the Taoist perspective appealed to you I'd recommend searching out Taoist texts and sitting with them. This book is absolutely excellent!! I never thought a book on dating would actually be useful, but this one definitely is. I would highly recommend it to any smart women who's about to head into the world of dating, or has been dating for a while and struggling with the process.
Thanks Ali - I think you might have changed my life. This book is a bit touchy-feely. Some of the exercises that he advises readers to do are a bit out-there. But I guess if it helps you get in touch with your authentic self, then great. It's not the best dating book I've ever read, but it's good. I'd recommend it especially to those who have a spiritual streak or are looking for more off-beat, unconventional advice.
I was impressed with how the advice Dr. Ali B proposed for how to comport oneself while dating was actually the best advice for "Winning at Life. If you have been engaging in some dating insanity of course you have, or you wouldn't be shopping for dating advice books , then reading this one will point you toward peace in your interactions with dates.
Excellent book on living life from a more fulfilled point of view I highly recommend for all women regardless of whether they are single or in a relationship. Loved every word of this book. All felt relevant to the tea. This book helped me to reevaluate and reanalyze myself, my dating patterns, my weak and strong personal sides and to readjust my behavior. The Tao of Dating is an interesting book to read. Although I have already know most of the basic knowledge about "the law of attraction" or Tao Te Ching, Ali Binazir have give me the practical ways to use those insight in dating.
Sep 15, Lynnette Dinh rated it liked it Shelves: This is the ultimate roadmap to being a superstar of dating. I got a mini ebook by the same fellow and it hyped that The Tao of Dating was the best selling dating guide on Amazon. I decided to see what he could offer me. It focused as much on personal development as it did with relating to the opposite sex. The book alternated chapters on how to improve your dating skills and how to better yourself as a person. Binazir was not messing around when he titled his book.
Taoism and the Tao Te I got a mini ebook by the same fellow and it hyped that The Tao of Dating was the best selling dating guide on Amazon. Taoism and the Tao Te Ching feature just as prominently as the dating advice. I really enjoyed the spiritual side that brought to this book. It really resonated with me and it was spiritually soothing to see them again mock if you must. He wants women to honor the sacred feminine and have more passive roles in their loves lives at least in the pursuing stage. Wicoff complained that men feel pressured to propose and fire back that women should let them do it in their own time.
Women then have to fake nonchalance and be disingenuous to themselves so the men can feel true to themselves by proposing at their leisure. Binazir cited men proposing as one of the reasons women should hold back. I think we need more balance in gender relationships but we also have to face the way the world is and try to make small changes. Women either have to be OK playing a secondary role in their love lives or bucking gender norms consequences be damned.
Overall though, I really liked this book. I thought it had a lot to offer women on a couple of levels. Because the Tao Te Ching features so prominently, several pieces of the dating advice can also apply to life like being radiant or not over thinking. Since I had this on ebook I utilized the highlight and bookmark features. I purchased this book July , after re-entering the single scene and needing some dating pointers.
This book turned out to be so much more than just dating "pointers" In the very first chapter Dr. Binazir points out "Deep down, women seek relationships not because they want a particular guy, but rather because they want the feelings that a good relationship brings them. In chapter two 2 Dr.
A guides you through discovering or analyzing "who you really are" and gives you different techniques from meditation to yoga to help you along. This book is really about you, not about dating! I mean yes, he does eventually get to the dating part, but by the time you get to it you are so empowered, feeling sexy, grateful and loving towards yourself, the dating stuff is just icing.
This book has helped me change how I view and treat myself as well as the ones I love. He doesn't have you make drastic sudden changes at once, however one step or chapter at a time he has you try new things and by the end of the book you are like: Wow, how can something so simple be so life changing? I read so many books, I forget who said what. Not the case with this book, my friends and I are always making references to it, but most important, any time I have had a question, I have emailed Dr. A and guess what?
Stringer and Alan Hickman are pioneers in using the Law of Attraction in business and personal relationships. Jan is the creator of Attracting Perfect Customers: Having graduated from Stanford University, she was completing her PhD in psychology when she came to India in as a tourist. Touched and transformed by the power and presence of the sacred Ganges, the Himalayas and Pujya Swami Chidanand Sarasw Divorced for almost 1.
After making BLEEP, Betsy realized she had created a persona of what people expected and lost all sight of who she was. The film is about the getting back to the basics. Remembering that all we are seeking i He's the author of over 30 books, has created many audio programs and videos, and has appeared on thousands of television and radio shows. Gabrielle recently launched her second bo An expert in Courageous Aging, Dr, Druck encourages us to create a new vision for our relationship while deepening our most intimate connections.
They cover strategies to discuss with your spouse every kind of issue including how to d Colette Baron-Reid is an internationally renowned intuitive counselor, coach, divination expert, educator and 1 best- selling author who helps others recognize and connect with their own intuition, potential and purpose. Arielle Ford has spent the past 25 years living and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. Katherine is a creative and inspired transformative educator with nearly 20 years experience designing and facilitating leading edge seminars that At last, the truth about the state of marriage today is brought out for red hot discussion.
As an expert on happiness, success, and unconditional love, Marci Shimoff has inspired millions of people around the globe, sharing her breakthrough methods for personal fulfillment and professional success. So grab your smartphone, fire up your Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon Music or Pandora, and listen to some seriously uplifting tunes. If said tunes make you dance, even better see 1 above. Classical music is particularly powerful for me.
Some pieces that get me going when I need to scrape myself off the floor: Yeah, just close your eyes and sit. For extra credit, do your best to clear your mind of thoughts. You do this by focusing on something other than random thoughts — say, the sensation of breath as it goes through your nostrils. Repeating an internal sounds also helps you focus. Just email me a beer instead. Meditation is a form of mindfulness, but not the same thing. You can practice it all the time. Because, if you really think about it, all of your problems reside in the past or the future.
Right now — this tiny sliver of a second constituting the present moment — is frankly too narrow to contain any problems. Feel the warmth of the water, the hardness of the plates, the slipperiness of the suds. Hear the sounds of splashing water, and the squeak of sponge on dish. Which part of your foot hits the ground first? Which one is next? How do your legs feel as they alternately support and swing? What are your arms doing? As you do this, you may notice something: And then the next moment in time — still pretty good.
And the next one? String together enough of these mindful moments, and you get whole days, months and years. This way, you can get through anything. One of the best ways to cheer yourself up is to help cheer other people up. Hey, why do you think I do this stuff?
So call up a friend, offer to listen, go deliver a hug in person, send them this list, and otherwise make yourself useful. Could be your family, your health, your car that gets you around. Meditate on them, and deeply appreciate them in your life for 30sec each. Then go on with the rest of your day. Science shows that making this a daily or even weekly practice has measurable benefits for your long-term happiness.
This really should have been at the top of the list; thanks to eagle-eyed reader Maria for bringing it to my attention. All of the things I just mentioned are free and available to you right now. Would be great to see them. Just call This is a really good time to meet new people. Why do you think the most number of kids are born in August? Anyway, there are 6 sessions in total. The remaining 2 sessions will be in And remember, the course is evergreen.
All the material is online, and you can come back to it as often as you want, and join a live cohort whenever I have one. Hey, I hear ya. Things were probably rough even before they got rougher! We live in uncertain times. None of this is entirely new. And you know what? I have faith in you. And just so you can have even more faith in yourself, here are two resources straight from my secret stash that have been very useful to me:. This is a daybook. You get an essay for every calendar day. The culmination of one love, one dream, one self, is the anonymous seed of the next. Mark Nepo has been through a lot cancer, divorce etc.
As a result, he always writes from a place of deep vulnerability. He also writes beautifully. No wonder Oprah went gaga over his book when she found out about it in You can either watch the livestream or go to watch from the archives right now for no charge perhaps the Nov 9 service will be of interest; lecture starts around He is one industrial-strength wallop of inspiration and the best living orator I know.
The services are spiritually-oriented and non-denominational. There are some recurring themes to his messages: Rev Michael was a pivotal part of starting my writing career 11 years ago. He is an extraordinarily helpful resource in times of trouble or joy. Meditation has been the single most transformative practice I have taken up. It has made me a calmer, less reactive, more thoughtful person. The first thing I do every morning is meditate, and I consider it the most important part of my day.
For someone deep into meditation, the list of teachers reads like the Team USA Basketball team roster: I am not exaggerating when I say these folks are the best at what they do:.
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Should you decide to purchase a package of the recordings, I receive a part of the proceeds. Meditation is the life-changing practice, and I sincerely hope you can join me. Click here to sign up. Do you know what to do to make that pitch great every time? Or are you leaving those crucial turning points to chance?
I get a lot of letters from readers. There are common themes to these letters: Why do I behave this way? Why does he do that? Can I trust men? Is a long-term committed relationship even possible? But rarely does a letter hit all of those themes at the same time. Martha, a very thoughtful 30yr old graduate student from Oregon sent me this letter recently.
Can You Have it All? Hell Yeah!
But I tend to come up with philosophical and existential questions that make everything harder. This expands to different areas in life, specifically relationships. Learning that I belong to the anxiously attached category helped me understand the painful break-ups and self-destructive patterns of thinking that followed. In my life these external resources have been: Along with that, I was exposed to continuous fights over parental infidelity, leading me to lose trust in men.
Since I was also criticized a lot, I always wanted to be more, which served me well but also with the downside of never being happy with who I was. I also wonder if I lack determination in my decision-making or reactions. I wanted to break the taboo of dating someone from a different socioeconomic status, which is why I started dating my boyfriend Bradley about a year ago.
I often find myself analyzing everything my partner says, looking for its origin in order to discover the real him: These conversations alarm me and rev up my sympathetic nervous system to withdraw from trusting him in the long run. But then again, I realize that this is still giving authority to external circumstances to keep me content. I never fear being left because someone smarter or kinder may come along. I fear being left for a more attractive girl, or simply a different kind of beauty. I worry about getting old and losing physical beauty, but at the same time I realize that being a goddess is not a requirement to keep a man loyal.
Many men cheat even when they have a goddess at home. What puzzles me is that even though I consider my mother a very beautiful woman though lacked in other areas and know that it did not stop my father from cheating, I take physical comments to heart and I worry about losing the field to younger girls. I wonder if I have unconsciously always gone for the wrong guys to prove myself that men are not trustworthy.
I want to be OK on my own, even if no man is ever going to be loyal to me for eternity. I want to stop worrying and being loved to be happy. Well, if some of what Martha brought up resonated with you, raise your hand. Lots of raised hands out there. Which brings me to the topic I want to talk about today: Prof Kristin Neff of the University of Texas at Austin is the pioneering researcher of self-compassion.
After all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? The most obvious one is recognizing our common humanity. And you would be wrong. Out there in Oregon, writing these thoughts to me, Martha is probably pretty sure that she is the only person in the world that has this constellation of challenges.
And yet, you the reader can probably identify with a bunch of them: Once you realize the rest of the world is also having these issues, it somehow becomes much easier to bear. That brings us to Principle 1, Self-kindness. Some folks — especially perfectionists — have somehow internalized that there is virtue in ripping into yourself. Besides, which part of you is ripping into which part of you? Are you slapping yourself in the face with your own hand, or elbowing yourself in the stomach? Do you have any idea how weird that sounds? Stop that now before I call in the shrinks.
And that brings us to Principle 3, Mindfulness. Just go ahead and feel it fully, without letting it be your whole existence and identity. When you allow them to express fully, feelings fade over time.enter
The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible
But if you resist them, they persist. So let them be, then let them go. Mindfulness is also about being fully present in the moment. This happens to be the antidote to overthinking or rumination, which is what this letter is doing a lot of. Like many of you, Martha is a smart, highly-educated woman. And like many of you, she thinks a lot about things that have never happened and may never happen. Some of these thoughts may turn into worries, which may become anxieties looming large enough to alter your daily behavior. For example, Martha talked about infidelity: What works is to do something else instead.
For those of you who are in the Bay Area on Mon Oct 3, would love to see you at my live workshop. Please drop by and say hi! Christine Marie Mason is one of the most extraordinary people I know and one of my favorite humans. She has been an entrepreneur, CEO of 6 different companies, BA and MBA graduate from Northwestern University, organizer of nine TEDx events, a yoga teacher, artist, musician, mother of six fantastic kids, grandmother, and most recently, a prison peace mentor. We met 15 years ago at a yoga retreat, so I thought I knew her pretty well by now. What I did not know was that when Christine was 12, her young mother was murdered and left in a cornfield.
She had her first child at 19, then again at 20, and still finished college and the MBA program. Her first husband eventually had a schizophrenic break and ended up losing his job and squandering all their money. Her second husband got cancer, then proceeded to cheat on her in spectacular fashion even while Christine was helping him recuperate. After a particularly long day in this spell of dot-com craziness, I was walking down a crowded street to catch a commuter train, when I saw my old friend Daniel.
Daniel always had a ready smile. He was self-contained, a loving husband and father and accomplished professionally—at that time he was CEO of a public company, making all manner of kitchen gadgets. That night, he was shining. It looked to me like he had shed layers of himself; he was carrying no burden.
He responded in an instant. Poise does not freak out over laundry, talk too much, go 90 miles an hour to make it to a meeting, or accidentally break things due to inattention. After a great struggling 75 minutes of a vigorous athletic form of structured postures linked together by the breath we were practicing a form called Ashtanga yoga , the class arrived at Savasana , corpse pose, where we lay on our backs, arms outstretched, palms up, legs extended, letting all of our muscles relax, allowing our bones to sink into the floor, in a sort of half-state between sleeping and waking, a state of deep aware stillness.
Through the breathing, the rhythm, the turning inward of yoga—through the not turning to an external thing like whacking a tennis ball or working into the night —I found my first peace in long memory. Yoga, as it has been popularized in the west, is often practiced with pumping music. People move fast and sweat and detox. If the connection between my feet and brain does not work, how am I going to connect to other people? Nor did I know where my organs were in my belly. My insides were like a black hole between my ribcage and my knees. Can you feel where your liver is, unless it is in pain?
After a while, I found that I could lift my arches and run an energetic current up my shins and thighs and ass and heart and right out the top of my head and back down again. The power I used in previous forms of athletics to release energy was something that could be channeled and leveraged inside of the body, to heal it and balance it, and restore equilibrium and clarity to my whole organism. The yoga practice that was handed to me started a new kind of self-inquiry: Am I aware of my breath? Where am I looking? Where are my feet? Are all four corners of my feet on the ground? Are my arches lifted away?
Where are my fingers? Are they evenly aligned or evenly spaced? Am I standing tall or leaning forwards or backwards? Where am I in space? How good is my proprioception: What am I actually feeling? What is actually happening? It was a straight line to hyperawareness.
I began to learn that the body has rising and falling energies, that when it gets certain inputs it releases certain chemicals, that there is a virtuous loop between the actions of the body and the chemicals that are released, and that this cycle is autonomic until we intervene and override it. We can start to use our breathing and our thoughts to restructure which chemicals are getting released from our minds and into our bodies.
We can reprogram ourselves, literally. Once I began, it was rapid-fire study. I went to my first class, and I knew I was going to return. Eventually, I found a connection to divine source on that quiet, meditative, sweaty little mat, something I never quite got in any traditional church. That tiny studio, with a purple Om symbol painted on the wall, above a pizza parlor in the middle of Chicago, curtains blowing in, sirens and car horns below, became a holy place. It was there that I discovered a sense of having a permeable body: I was made of the same stuff as everything else in the universe.
I wanted to go deeper. In , I went on a retreat led by power yoga founder Baron Baptiste. His easygoing introduction to yoga philosophy, musical open laugh, softness, strength, humor and accessibility just made me happy. For example, once we stayed for a full 20 minutes in a hip opener known as frog: Somatic theory says we hold our painful memories in the body, and holding this position for this long had people in the room women especially , letting go and weeping at all the things held in the groin and hips.
- The Tao of Dating – an Interview With Dr. Ali Binazir.
- Home - Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer.
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I took his teacher training in Tulum, just to keep growing. Then I stumbled, or was led, into a month of teacher training in an intense, academic program that honored a deep Indian lineage, with Yogarupa Rod Stryker- and that training has continued apace for the last 15 years — from the yoga of sound, to contact yoga, to extensive breath and tantric energy work, to studying Sanskrit texts — it is an unending investigation.
By investigating the body, I began to investigate the mind also, and then even deeper into relationships. Once, early on, I was holding a yoga position called side plank for a long time. This position requires the body to form a long, firm, extended board, placing one hand on the floor, the other to the ceiling, and balancing between the side of the bottom foot and the palm of the hand, holding the belly snug and the hips high. It can be rigorous. My arms started shaking; my balance was challenged. I invite you to look at your reaction to that.
The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible by Ali Binazir
Are you feeling proud, or maybe the inverse: How can you be kind to yourself in this moment, play your edge, and take responsibility for your experience? How much are your own thoughts and reactions responsible for your own suffering? If side plank was hard, the other big practice, seated meditation, was harder. Sitting still, harboring a quiet mind, initially felt impossible. Even two minutes of meditation felt interminable. Every part of me resisted.
To make it easier, all kinds of techniques were offered: Watch your breath right where it enters and exits the nostrils, imagine a flame, say a mantra. But it was all just practice to do one thing: To become a watcher of my own thoughts. But if I am watching my thoughts, who is thinking the thoughts? These thoughts must be separately constructed. I am not my thoughts. And if I am not my thoughts, I can un-identify and manipulate them to a better outcome. Lo and behold, this was true. By watching and stopping unhelpful patterns of thinking, I learned that I could change the day-to-day experience of life in my body.
Well, maybe one person. For example, I learned to not judge a rising emotion or thought — just to see it as neutral energy.
Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer
If all thoughts and actions are only energy, neither positive nor negative, I can transmute it. I can remove the negative element, and just use the energy. If an unsettling thought would arise, I would ask myself, what can I do other than sit here or numb out through work or busyness or sex or distraction? What can I do to not numb out, to really feel and then leverage the emotion?
Can I channel it into awareness, creative force, or even just let it pass through me? Most of the productivity and creativity in the last decade has been the result of having learned to transmute whatever intense emotion is coming up into an activity or action that is in touch with experience, rather than pushing it away. Now, if I have disturbing thoughts, I can choose to be matter of fact: With yoga, the recovery time from these disturbances, delusions and illusions and suffering is shorter.
It takes hardly any time anymore to come back, maybe a minute or two of breathing and —there it is! This is especially useful in navigating the daily kind of potential offenses in traffic or in the supermarket parking lot — is this my best self acting here? Yoga roots me in a life-giving and life-affirming place, rather than the old soup of pervasive inadequacy. It has made me strong, mentally and physically. The yogic ideal is strength and suppleness, being rooted yet able to reach, the perfect combination of grounded and flexible. There is an Indian fable that puts it sweetly: Ananta is strong enough to support the world, yet soft enough to be a couch for the gods.
I started going to class to feel better, and fell in love with the practice, and it gave me back my life. That translates into bringing others along with you. Whatever you know, you are obligated to pass on: Those who know must teach. If you know, you owe.