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- If you're healing, why are you dating? - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue
Literally, ten minutes after we broke things off, I reactivated my account on an internet dating site. I was scared to be alone. Just last year, I was going through a divorce. I was married for 13 years to a man who ended up cheating on me.. I needed to feel needed. I went on numerous empty dates, lying to myself ,my friends, and daughters: To blog of course! I clearly stated I was a pessimist. I do realize that.
I also clearly stated that this advice is actually pretty good and that I assumed it worked for most people. Is everyone in your world an extrovert? Are none of them shy? Are all of them great at striking up conversation? Are all of them equally beautiful in their own ways? Because I know it works for most people.
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It does not work for everyone. It does not work for me. That got cut off. Thank you accidental tab. You ignored the fact I complimented your advice which was pretty negative of you. Just K I think you misunderstand me. This is nothing to do with my advice. It is different strokes for different folks. I have spoken to people who are incredibly shy to people who let it all hang out. And actually, you are totally free to not like what I say. I love that, because essentially that was what has got us into this mess in the first place when we fail to trust that nagging feeling in the pitt of our stomachs that what he is delivering is B.
I remember in the past when I was continuing to date despite in the pitt of my stomach I knew something felt very wrong about it ME! I am 25 and it is not easier for me myalmostlover. I was with a man who I thot was my soul mate for 3 years after dating a whole lotta losers. He left me for another woman after lieing to me about her and stringing me along for a month. I miss him terribly even though he treated me like a bag of dog shit which is insane of me. I feel like all of these dates are taking a toll on me and making me feel even more like crap than I did after I broke up w my ex.
It is not easy. I know I am a smart and beautiful woman. I want to be married someday. I dont want to date losers anymore. They are wasting my time and draining my happiness. We must look within ourselves to understand why we are making poor relationship choices and not moving on from them. So, yes there is something wrong. I should not have not told him that the boy living with me was the little neighbour for all these years the assclown knew me!
What a shock to him to discover I had a son! I was with someone for 10 years. Things deteriorated due to doubt, indecision, and I have low self esteem and self confidence which was a big contribution to it. But he has moved on. I think I am more self aware now. I am getting to the point of being happy for him, happy if he is happy. He wants to be friends. My biggest issue is we have mutual friends. Seeing him will be inevitable. Seeing him with his new girlfriend will be inevitable, and painful I imagine.
But I am hoping that the fact that I am pushing myself to heal and to understand myself better means there will be a light at the end of a very long tunnel. When I first started NC it was a whole month of the oddest feeling of still being pulled in by him, and of myself struggling to let go and have my head to myself. Sorry if I am not being clear, its a bit hard to explain what I am talking about.
There was an unpleasant addictive quality to the eight years with the EUM. The EUM I knew was emotionally manipulative, in sneaky ways, pulling me in, pushing me away. Since you will not be able to avoid him totally you have the challenge of NC in the emotional sense. First, about a long term relationship before the EUM. I have been, for decades, and still am in a business relationship with my ex.
He is a good man, not the EUM that brought me to this site, and we work together several times a week. He went his way, romantically speaking, I went mine and our romantic relationship was dissolved.
It was all handled so clearly and honestly that I did not struggle much, and it left the rest of our lives intact with little emotional drama. This is how we can work well together to this day. BUT, there is the reason I am here.. Drama, disrespectful and irrational behavior were the hallmarks of his behavior.
He also had the oddest way of getting intensely close before snapping back at me. He knew something was wrong, and often pulled me in to help, but never got any farther than that. He could never get it together to figure out and explain and work through his mixed up confusing behavior. I got way sucked in, had never experienced anything like it, thought my friendship and love was strong enough to help him beat his challenges and with my help he would figure out his stuff and we could then explore a deeper relationship.
There were many things I really liked about him. Took me many moons to realize I was wrong and stuck in some weird circular drama cycle of his, the push pull thing, that does not involve moving forward. Thus I started NC. Unlike the ex, this is a very difficult and painful ending, Like I said, I really liked a lot of things about him. But the emo drama and ignorance about its destructive effect was not one of them. The ending of this is hard because there was no intelligent resolution or closure.
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He just shuts down when that kind of important and hard work is needed in the most significant of ways.. This of course, is why this site exists, the EUM is really discouraging and the effect on our confidence and psyches is bad. But it is not hopeless. What it comes dowm to is the same as it was all along with the EUM. We have to do the work, all the work. So here we are with a lot of work to do. Not a bad thing really, but not easy. The hardest thing for me is to remove him from the equation unless its about how he relates to solving my problem..
Understanding my part in the relationship is also a key to solving it. I will repeat, the EUM himself has no place in this equation. But, understanding what EUM means and the effect the shabby behavior has on us and why we put up with it is a very important part of the equation.
Thankfully, help with that part is all over this site. If you will be seeing the EUM socially, your challenge will be to learn to do emotional NC, which is all in your head and not NC in the physcial sense. Frankly, I think this is what everyone who deos NC really should be working towards. You want to be able look the EUM straight in the eye, and see them for just who they are; someone who does not respect themselves or you enough to have a decent emotional relationship with themselves or with you. You need to see them as they are, not willing or able to come through for you.
You can be kind and polite and understanding but still very clear in your own head that you are not interested in pursuing anything with them. You can say hello, talk some and move on. However, going out and drinking with them would always be a really bad idea — You need to be aware of the thing inside you that made you stay involved with them. At that point you have no need for an EUM, and are ready to be involved with an emotionally mature man.
Funny, he never called back, never texted, emailed or anything! Thing his ego is hurt … as I am very kind and polite … guess he did not expect this from me! All this was no fun for me … I went through self-doubt … for being pushy! But come to think of it he was the clingy one asking to stay friends and all!
I agree on mostly everything written in this article I shared a lot of common interests with him and I really enjoyed his company and a part of me feels sorry for him as he probably has never been truly loved by anyone. My 2 cents on online dating … there are lot of good men out there! Not to say I am very picky … and like to exchange emails for a couple of months before meeting someone for a cup of coffee!complex-ocenka.ru/scripts/lies/tezex-znakomstvo-meri-i.php
If you're healing, why are you dating? - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue
After reading this article my self-doubts are clearing and I feel happy about what I did … saved myself from lot of hurt! I still hurt but I feel in my heart that what I did was for the best of me! I pretty much took myself off the market for five years and tentatively started wading back in maybe two and half years ago lots of therapy etc. I like myself fine, I trust myself to be able to handle just about anything that comes up although perhaps with some emotional difficulty. And it worked to a point.
But really — for women and men like myself the healing is a process that goes on for a long, long time. It is not worth it to me. Best of luck with everything. I am 50, it is as if I fell into a groove at the beginning and for 35 years I repeated the same behavior. I DO think it is fixable.
It does start with inner work. The subconscious is the fountain of all that we do, so if you are a negative thinker you have to go to it and watch your thoughts. Anything at all negative that pops up be aware of it.
Pay attention to your thoughts in general, try not to judge yourself. Body work, energy healing over time can and do work. I was just in something troubling but it was brief and I ended it this time. I have done a ton of work and spent an enormous amount of money and time on myself. I know I will make it because I believe it. It's pretty much the most annoying thing ever. Are you that girl who can't stop talking about your boyfriend? Are you constantly dropping his name into conversations and acting like you have a perfect relationship? When you do this, it seems like you're insecure and covering up the fact that you're not sure that this is the right person for you to be seeing.
It's not healthy to be that into the person that you're dating. You need to have a separate life, too, or it's just not sustainable. It's safe to say that many relationships could work out if each person was always happy, always successful, and never experienced any tough times. Of course, that's not only unrealistic, that's just not the way that life is. Have you and your boyfriend each gone through something difficult during the first six months of your relationship and helped each other?
Have you been compassionate and felt more in love than ever? There is a really good chance that this means you two are really meant for each other and that your relationship will only continue in this awesome direction. Being in love is great and all, but you need other relationships, too. You have to keep hanging out with your friends and making time to see your relatives even when you're in a new relationship. It's not fair to ignore them and freeze them out when they have always loved you and been there for you. You wouldn't want your best friend to ignore you just because she got a new boyfriend.
If you don't let your boyfriend see his friends because you want him to see you all the time, or he does that to you, it's not healthy and it's not going to work out between you two. This is really negative behavior. You spend holidays together, you see each other's families as often as you can depending on where everyone lives, and you are considered a part of each other's families. You all like each other and think that this relationship is the best thing for the both of you.
It's not only amazing that you're lucky enough to get along with your boyfriend's family, it's good news for the future of your relationship. After all, everyone wants this scenario, and everyone wants to get married and continue to be part of each other's families and celebrate the good things that happen in life together. The most important thing when you've been dating a new guy for a little while is whether he calls you his girlfriend. First, you have the talk where you say that you want to make things official, and you don't want either one of you to date anyone else.
Then you let the people in your life know that you two are officially a couple. The fact is that when he won't call you his girlfriend and it's been six months, that's a bad sign. That would be true if it had been there months, honestly, because you don't have time to waste and you need to be with a guy who is really happy and who appreciates how great you are. Being in a relationship definitely means bringing your partner with you to anything that you get invited to.
Whether your college friends are having a bash, or it's your annual family Christmas party, or your new friend from barre class is having a birthday thing, you want to be able to bring the person that you're dating. And when he gets invites, he should ask if you want to join him, too. You can be sure that things will work out in the relationship when you invite each other to things that you're asked to attend.
It shows that you respect each other, want to hang out with each other a lot and love experiencing social events with the other person. Hearing your boyfriend say that he never moves in with anyone that he dates isn't the best news ever. It's easy to tell yourself that it doesn't matter because it's only been six months and you're not ready to live together yet. However, in a few more months' time, you might change your mind, and the truth is that he will most likely still feel the same way.
When he tells you that he doesn't move in with girlfriends, he's basically saying that he doesn't want to commit too much and that he doesn't want a future with you. It might seem harsh but this is what he's saying. Otherwise, he would love to talk about living together. He's still trying to impress you even though it's been six months and things are official.