- How to Date Your Ex’s Best Friend
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- Is It Ever OK To Date An Ex's Friend? (What If You're Head Over Heels And They're The One?!)
- How to Date Your Ex's Best Friend - The Good Men Project
First and foremost, let's make sure you have good intentions.
How to Date Your Ex’s Best Friend
Sometimes people date the ex's friend as a form of retaliation. It may not even be conscious. Maybe you know you're a total catch. You're the smartest, funniest and best dressed at the office—everyone is mad crushing on you. Except, of course, that stinking jerk who dumped you.
Gee whiz, that hottie friend of your ex seems to notice.
This is not—repeat, not —a good reason to pursue le friend. On the flip side, some folks go after the former flame's friend to stay close to the ex. Also nicht so good. The truth will come out eventually, even if you think you're hiding it. And, guess what, your new squeeze—who just might be a nice person! As noted journalist Mary Schmich once said, "don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
So take your ex out of the equation entirely. Do you still have feelings for this foxy friend? If the chemistry is explosive and undeniable, it may be worth the risk. Seek out the friend and express your feelings. Sometimes, people just need to digest emotional information and come to terms with a sensitive situation. So, over time, the best friend may be able to reach out to your ex and explain their side of the story. This may help your ex accept your new relationship and also avoid ruining the friendship between the best friend and your ex.
Accept that your ex may not be okay with the relationship. Though you may try your hardest to get your ex-partner to understand and accept your new relationship, it may not always be possible. Your ex-partner may be too upset by the relationship and have a hard time being okay with your new romance.
Your ex may also be angry that their best friend became involved with someone from their past. You may need to learn to accept that having your new relationship means letting go of your relationship with your ex-partner. Over time, your ex may come around and accept the situation. But you cannot force your ex to do this. Avoid comparing the best friend to your ex. To create a healthy relationship with the best friend, you should avoid comparisons between the best friend and your ex. Your relationship is not a competition and the best friend has different qualities than your ex.
Comparing the best friend and your ex will just lead to conflict and tension in your new relationship. Maybe he tends to plan more intimate dates at home, and your ex would go all out with an expensive dinner for date night. Rather than compare the two, focus on the positives of each approach. Then, remind yourself that you are with the best friend because he does things differently and offers different things than your ex did. Trash talking your ex, in front of the best friend or with other friends, will only create more tension between your ex and the best friend.
Your hurtful words about your ex may make your new partner upset. This could then lead to tension and conflict between the two of you. Allow the best friend to spend time with your ex. For the sake of your new relationship, you should try to be okay with your new partner spending time with your old partner.
Your new partner may also miss spending time with his best friend, despite the circumstances. You should encourage them to spend time together so it does not seem like you are trying to be controlling or selfish in the relationship. Making an effort to spend time together as a group can help to normalize the situation and allow your ex to get used to your new relationship. Be respectful of your ex's feelings at social events. If you still share mutual friends with your ex, you and your new partner will eventually end up at social events where your ex is present.
When and if this happens, you should try to be respectful towards your ex's feelings and be considerate of your ex when you are around him with the best friend. Whatever it was, I had nimbly skipped my way through the minefield of dating two friends. And for at least a month, dating Kathy was amazing. We would go to dinner, talk about physics, see movies at the campus theater, get coffee, meet each other on campus, etc.
Is It Ever OK To Date An Ex's Friend? (What If You're Head Over Heels And They're The One?!)
It was the ideal college romance. We even dabbled in marijuana.
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Of course, we also kissed each other and slept together—although therein lay some difficulty. Whereas Christine had liked me too much, Kathy was more aloof.
She never complimented me, never told me how cute I was, never told me how much she liked me. When we did kiss, it was like I was introducing her to the concept of what kissing was. But I found my newfound confidence waning, and I flipped out. Someone she liked as much as I liked her? Someone she would want to be affectionate with?
She had agreed to be with me and that should have been good enough. If she had wanted to break up with me, she would have done so. But my newfound confidence had failed me. I was back to square one—I became the same neurotic, anxious, awkward, desperate jerk that I had ever been. And so she got away.
I second-guessed myself—and instead of vowing to trust my instincts in the future, I kept on doubting. I doubted my way through relationship after failed relationship.
How to Date Your Ex's Best Friend - The Good Men Project
You deserved her, dude. Because even if confidence can be a fickle mistress, regret will break your heart every time. Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here. Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable. Evan Jacobs is an aspiring writer and stand-up comedian living in New York City. Learn more at his website. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam.
Learn how your comment data is processed. I just realised I regret breaking up with a hot girl when I was You were a douchebag. And Christine should have been with someone who actually gave a shit about her, not just how her looks boosted his self-confidence. Which would be acceptable, in that pretty much everybody is that sort of douchebag in college. And then you say this: Tremendously disappointed that is the sentence selected as the headliner by goodmenproject—a site that espouses to challenge traditional gender discourses, reclaim masculinity and empower women.
Apparently Kathy was a horrible friend, no? Is it the sex? Are you just not brave enough? At the end you fooled yourself. How life is fair in so many ways. But as I fornicated and flirted, Becky […]. I LOVE this story. Wow, just so honest, and please take this as the compliment it is meant to be, it could have been written by a woman. By that I mean we express this kind of stuff to each other all the time.
You certainly have a defined masculine take on the dynamics, but that makes me love it more. Really well done, and thank you! Oh, and reading some of the other comments makes me love your article more. I still say, well done! This will be continued in my series of essays about dating. For now, you should just close down your computer after clicking on all the ads on this site , […]. I have to agree with the previous posters…You really have a valid reason to break-up Kathy… Just continue life ahead and bring happiness to yourself and to your girlfriend…. True confidence comes from within, dude.
I did, in fact, sleep with one woman in the very beginning of freshman year—and then struck out about 30 weekends in a row after that. By the summer, my confidence had completely eroded to the point where it took the following year to recover—and jeopardized two otherwise half-decent relationships. Hi Evan, I have to agree with everyone else: Firstly, this right here is a HUGE problem: I had a very similar situation and I enjoyed reliving it through your words.
This was definitely a pleasure to read.