- He just didn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
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- Is it right to date someone new when you're not over your ex? - Chicago Tribune
- He’s with someone else – Why her and not me?
- Is it right to date someone new when you're not over your ex?
It's a little hard to tell for certain and it would depend on who she feels more connected to at the end of the day. Based on the situation though, there's a possibility that you were the rebound, because even though she gave more to you, she still felt connected enough to her ex to end up leaving the relationship to be with him.
What will i do? Do I still need to hold on? Has there ever been a consideration to reduce the distance and begin living together eventually, considering that you have a 2 year old daughter with him?
If distance is the issue here which caused him to get intimate with someone else, this is something that has to be considered before you think about winning him back. Also, you'll have to do what's best for you and your kid, and I personally wouldn't recommend simply holding on for the sake of it. I was in a 3 year relationship. We parted ways back in March , but it wasn't a "real" breakup. We just decided we didn't get along anymore and would be better off on our own, which was the stupidest thing to do.
We kept on seeing each other, calling, texting, etc. This changed in June. I noticed a change in her approach, as if her focus shifted. She didn't speak to me the way she used to and kept breaking up text conversations in the middle. I felt she was slipping away, but did nothing about it. I reached out like three times and then my pride took over and I was like: We talked briefly and then hours later when I saw her alone I grabbed her and told her I love her and asked if she's happy with him. A week later I left a love letter and a bunch of pictures of us throughout the years at her house and spoke to her mum.
She texted me the next day saying that she still thinks of me, but a lot of time has passed and things are not what they used to be. She said that she wants to speak to me, but she's not ready to have that conversation yet. Now give me that time. The conversation turned into analyzing past mistakes and unwanted behaviour during our relationship and me declaring I had changed my ways. She reaffirmed that she still thinks of me, but has moved on, that time heals and that she started to build her life from scratch. She did not respond to my last email in that conversation.
It's been over a week now since that email conversation and I haven't contacted her in any way. Please advise if there are still chances to turn things around and get back together. I will really appreciate your feedback. It's normal that she would still think of you from time to time since you both did share 3 years worth of memories together. Under these circumstances, it's not impossible to win her back because she would undoubtedly still have some feelings for you. However, whether those feelings are ignited once again or end in a form of closure would depend on what you do. I would suggest giving her the space she had requested and not text her daily for the time being, but continue reaching out every now and then.
Those times you do reach out, keep the conversation light-hearted and on a positive note, and avoid bringing up getting back together until she is ready. Just build upon positive memories for now to help remind her of the good times she once shared with you and never let your emotions or uncertainty get the better of you. Hello, I was hoping for some additional insight from someone.
My situation is sort of unique. Both my ex and I are men. I am 25 and he is We were engaged for a year prior to him leaving me, and we were together for almost four years. He left now me a little over 4 months ago, but we still spoke and hung out almost every day for a long time afterward. We also had sex often. Now he tells me he is interested in a coworker of ours. The coworker is 17, and my ex is trying to pursue a relationship with him. Two days before they hung out for the first time, my ex and I had sex for what may be the last time.
He said he wanted to focus on the possible new relationship with the coworker and not think about our past because it still hurts him. I would like to be friends with him too. But the difficult part is that this new relationship will be right in my face on a daily basis. Keep in mind that your ex being only 21, probably has a different frequency from you in terms of what he's seeking out.
At this point, there's a likelihood that he's still curious to explore and therefore might have lost interest in the current relationship to pursue something novel. There's not much that can be done at this point, except to either win him back or to wait it out and hope it's merely a phase he's going through. I was hoping for some insight. We had been dating for 3 years. A year and a half of which was long distance. We have so much in common and shes perfect. Ive dated alot of girls. So we got in a couple small fights December and January over the diatance but still resolved them.
In February I send her gifts for valentines day. Which she later said she liked. Literally days following that she tells me we should minimize communication because she has a boyfriend now. Which was weird because like I said there was no evidence prior. We continued to talk regardless a for a few weeks then she completely shut me out. Since then I wouldnt stop contacting her which was bad I know.
I was in her city a few weeks ago and told her to call me so we could link. She called and as hard as I tried I couldnt help but ask several questions about her relationship. She said she cant tell me when it became serious which was odd to me. Yet she said she met him last summer.
I got made and she said shed call me back never did. I have yet to go no contact with her for long. I feel like she would of never called me if they werent. As you were in a long distance relationship with her, it may have been the reason she moved on to a new partner so quickly to which she may have felt a loss of spark for awhile but never had a reason to bring it up until she fell for someone else. This would also contribute towards her being able to detach herself from you so easily after the breakup. You should try going into no contact but not simply with the focus of winning her back, but more so to work on yourself and give both parties space.
After NC has ended, you can decide again whether you want to win her back or not and follow the steps in our articles for more help. My ex and I been together for almost four years. Well anyway, he broke up with me almost three months ago. Life pretty much gotten in the way from a miscarriage from him losing his car and his place. As of right now he and her are doing long distance rebound and I want him back. He told me he wants me to heal first and then he would be interested in pursuing a relationship with me.
Is there any tips for me? Perhaps spend this time working on things you felt could have contributed towards any issues during the relationship, and maybe even consider improving your appearance or working on your self-confidence in general. Use this article for more guidelines to follow. It's been well over a month after we broke up, I did the No-Contact for about 40 days. She texted me 3 times during this period.
I have accidentally met her with her new guy at a pub we first met - she doesn't go there often. The guy approached me later and we had a chat - now I know that they argue a lot and she was telling him about me much. She joined us and quickly became upset and angry, she asked the guy to leave her - he refused, seemed needy and was trying to hold her. A few times he looked like he was about to leave, but eventually they both stayed for a while.
When I went to grab another beer she was looking at me. BUT - she texted me today asking why can't we just be friends, and repeated that we will never get back together. Then we chatted some more. I am lost, I was cool about them the entire time, but I want her back. Can I make it happen? It's likely that she still has feelings for you but has developed an internal conflict with herself because she's still in a relationship, hence her sudden text to you to try and validate her own thoughts.
You did fine by acting cool throughout, and you could continue to respond to her in that manner and slowly show off the changes you've made since the breakup to come across as more attractive. Hi, Thanks for reply. I did continue to text with her, we switched to phone texts rather than FB messages. She is aware of my progress, mabe just not realised how much better I am now in full.
But she again sent a picture of a gift from her new boyfriend - a laptop. This is another time he gives her something expensive. I am under impression that he needs to give her expensive stuff because he has no value. Now - I responded saying "Cool" and then texted her that "I am still hungover XD" - she new I was at the party yesterday.
This might have been a mistake. But believe me, when I spoke to her new guy he legitimately asked me how I handled her moods. Like he was asking for advice. Further to the above, what's my next step? Should I just continue to be "just" friends with her and wait? The problem is she lives at his place, can't go back to her parents. He can see everything we speak about via fb messages, not sure about other ways of communication.
And I don't feel like she would agree to meet up soon either, I told her I was going rollerblading on Sunday and mentioned briefly she can join in, but she refused - she told me she has to work on her drawings for university. Oh, and one more thing worth mentioning - when we were texting on Sunday she asked me if I accepted the breakup and the fact that we will never get back together.
In terms of her perspective, her guard could still be up against you and she feels inclined to remind you that 'we've broken up', it sounds like because of her erratic mood as well, that she might swing from feelings of confusion towards both parties from time to time. You could continue to be friends with her at this point, or actually go back to NC for now because it may still be too soon to make a move. We've been texting for a week now.
On Wednasday she called me at midnight, asking if she could stay some nights she mentioned she got new job and it would be far away, but if I am correct where they live the communication is great. She did not show up though. When I asked her on Friday how's her new job, she texted me back when she was finished, asking if I want to pick her up. I wanted to, but she ended up going back home - at first I panicked, but later it occured me that I basically asked her to wait for me for an hour and move a few tram stops to meet me, so no hard feelings.
She also asked me if I would join them I believe she meant her and her bf on some cultural event last night, I told her I don't think I will be there but we will see as my friend wants to go out with me. Then we texted some more, she was asking me for advice again.
So, as I see it, she either wants to mess with my head, or really wants me back but won't take any drastic actions for now. She hasn't texted me yet today and it is 7PM. I feel like going back to NC and waiting more will not bring me good this time. They already are together over a month and a half, the longer I wait, the closer they get together. I think that if I go about it right, they might break up soon, that is if she has feelings for me.
So me and my ex who's also the mother of my child of 9 years broke up with me due to the fact she fell out of love for me and felt like we're growing apart and she is seeing a co-worker like a week after our break up i ask her who he is and did she sleep with him but she refuse to give me the truth and when i ask her for a date she say stuff like why and then when and quickly say no i can't your my ex and I'm seeing someone so my question is is he a rebound and is it worth my time waiting for her or should i move on and the guy she seeing usually isn't her type.
The fact that the relationship lasted 9 years and he isn't her type strongly indicates that he is a rebound. Go into NC for now with the exception of contacting her with regards to your child's matters and focus on improving yourself while waiting for this phase of hers to pass.
Me and my ex were together for 5 years. We broke up a month ago over trust issues I caused in the first year of us dating. But she has been seeing and talking with a guy she met at a party a few days after the break up. A few days ago they made it official, I guess. Honestly after I heard she slept with him at the party I went crazy and bugged her everyday for a few weeks. She would talk with me some, giving me mixed feelings and signals, both good and bad. But now I am blocked on everything and haven't had any contact with her since her and him got together.
If I start this now, do you think I still have a chance? She's told me she's done and doesn't want anything more to do with me, but this time last year we went through the same thing she was hateful towards me , she just says stuff when she's upset and she doesnt mean them. Give it some time to see if she means it or not. In the meantime since this guy may be a rebound, simply focus on improving yourself and applying no contact for the time being. My ex and i were together almost 9 years and we broke up 2 months ago. I told her I was willing to try and she was not. I told her if she was just looking for an excuse to be single and date other people that I would at least like to know that because I feel I deserve that truth so i can move on.
I implemented no contact after that last interaction for a month. I then called her one day and she answered, we spoke for bit and it went really well so I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee quick to catch up. I waited another week and called again, same scenario we spoke for 20 minutes and it was going well, and we were both actually in the same area so i asked if she wanted to get that coffee but she had plans with a friend. So tentatively made plans for a few days later and when i texted her that morning to ask if she was still free that day, no response at all, completely ignored.
Since you've been together with her for the last 9 years, its highly likely that she is going through a rebound relationship right now. She may be confused between subconsciously wanting to meet you and her mind telling her not to, which has resulted in this mixture of negative and positive responses. In my opinion, it would be a good idea to take it slow with her, and try not to give her any pressure but only good memories at each point of contact you have with her for the time being, to let her decision become a little less conflicted.
Yet she still text me and we still in touch until 2 weeks ago. I read your article and I give her space like weeks. Before no contact she doing fine and tell me that she still loved me. After 3 weeks no contact, I send her letter and she's reply my text cynically and said she is already close with someone else but not in relationship yet. I admit my mistake and try to call her but she's reject it. Do I need longer the NC period?
What should I do? She may currently be in a stage of rebound, or there's a small chance that she may have started to process the breakup and begun to move on since the break up was 4 months ago. Regardless, because she has responded negatively towards you, avoid pressuring her any further for now and instead focus on yourself. You could try again in about a week or two and see how she responds then.
Ok, me and my girl been together 10 years im 31 she is 29, we met on social media i lived in a different state but she lived in a state i use to live, but my mom an sisters and friends still lived there. Me im wondering if i have a shot? Yes, it would be better to avoid her during this period of no contact. Have a read through this article as we have a section on how to handle no contact if you live in the same household.
Hey, me and my girlfriend were together over a year long distance. I spent a few months with here and she Came here too, about a month and a half ago we broke up and we have barely spoken since. She started dating a girl which after reading about rebounds I believe she is in one with her. I assume we will be around each other a lot so how do I go about winning her back? How should I approach winning her back when she gets here because I know she will still very much have feelings for me as I do for her I just need to get them out of her?
I think the best thing you can do is to build up a level of comfort with her, so that whatever she feels can be expressed naturally without any reservations. Be sincere, fun, caring, and if she genuinely misses you, there would be a high chance that her expressions would show. Hey I spoke to her today a little and she seems exited about spending time with me when she gets here. And a few weeks ago she said no and she never actually gave me an answer today.
I have a one year baby with him we planned to marry. In october last year we had a serious fight and we partly broke up. In December we attempted to make it work again,only to learn he had been engaged to someone else and she was also pregnant. I asked him why he did that he said because i pushed him but he still wants me and he is going to break the engagement. Todate there is still a lot of tension and i feel hurt. A number of times he had tried to show off but i didnt realise what was happening.
During the break he had been sending the pregnant girl to drop my baby things he bought. We have been fighting a lot over this but he still cant let me go saying we are going to work it out. I even confronted the girl telling her he has been dating the both of us,he told to her that we had permanently broken up and she seemed to enjoy dropping my babys things as it proves an end to our relationship.
This time around he is not hiding the fact that he still wants me inspite of his situation with her,he played damb when i told him i was going to let the other girl know what has been going on. Right now i've decided to go no contact because it has been eating me up;although here and there he reaches out to me about the baby and I respond. What must I do? I still love him and somehow blame myself for what happened.
He just didn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
Firstly, you have to stop blaming yourself for whatever happened. Regardless of whether you pushed him away, his current actions of wanting the best of both worlds is wrong and should not be entertained. It's not about giving him an ultimatum, but instead doing what's best for you emotionally and mentally. NC seems like the best thing you can do right now, and if he contacts you regarding your child, you can still go ahead to reply if it's important but otherwise, limit small talk for the time being and focus on yourself instead.
I cheated on her and covered it up for a month lying about stuff i didn't do. I ended up admitting it to her, and it was super hard and she dumped me the next day. She had been hitting me up occasionally saying she misses me and still loves me, that if we were both single in June and I changed I may have a chance to get her back. This was like the first 4 weeks. She hit me up a couple more weeks, like once a week. Then after February 29 she stopped. Its been a month and a half now after the breakupp and she told me two days ago after asking if she still loved me that she loves me as that she cares about me, that she misses me as a best friend, but not as a boyfriend.
She said that she isn't looking past my dishonesty, lying, and immaturity. That she has already started hanging out with someone new, has went on a couple dates and hung out a couple times. Is it too late? You still have a chance, but you have to give her more time to let go of the past incident and for you to show her that you've changed. I suggest applying No Contact for now, and work on yourself in the meantime before trying to start a friendship with her once more. Is the new guy a rebound? It is also my birthday in like two days, what happens if she messages me.
You could definitely reply her with a thank you but keep the conversation short if possible. It's still too early to tell if the new guy is a rebound, but is usually is the case. She just messaged me and I said thank you. She then told me i hope ur doing well and left the conversation at that.
Im going to go on the no contact situation now for a month or two. Things were looking bad towards the past 6 months of our relationship as I needed time alone but my ex girlfriend needed attention and companionship which I failed to give her.. And not to make her choose between her new partner or me. Is she in a rebound? Although she said it is better that I move on and forget about her, she also still wants to play the online games we play together as she still likes spending time with me.
What should I do..? We are going to get married in the game we play this weekend. She knows I still love her, and I know she loves her partner. Could she be lying? What should I do Some individuals require constant attention and companionship from their partner or they begin to latch on to a new person when those needs are not met. Either way, she seems to be more inclined to her new partner at this point, to which you shouldn't overthink small gestures that may not mean anything because that will drive you crazy.
From how I see things, your ex may actually be someone who is drawn to the person that makes her feel positive, while showing her lots of attention and care. If you're able to deal with that and start as friends but perhaps using the game as a way to build a positive bond with her, you might still have a chance. However, if you don't think you can go through with things smiling and pretending to be ok especially while she remains with her current partner , it might be more advisable to move on.
Thanks for your reply Ryan. Regardless, no contact should still be applied, whether it's to give her space to miss you, or even space for you to pick yourself up. Hi , so me and my ex have been together for 2 years i broke up with her about a month ago , this was the 4th time we have broken up and I've done it 3 out of the 4 times , I realized it that I need to change and I love her but she got a new job 2 weeks ago and started seeing somebody else , he s giving her the attention and all the sweetness I started lacking in , they work at the same place and same hours , she said she doesn't know if it's the right choice or not but she's guna try it with the new guy , I tryed everything to convince her but she said she loves me but is afraid we will get together then I will dump her again , what shoujld I do , just let it go and let her try it with the guy.
I've tryed everything ,she said she loves me but yet what's to try something new cause she's happy with this guy they work same place and same shift , he gives her rides home buy her flowers. Given her current fears right now, even if you win her back, she would still be ridden with the insecurities that you would break up with her at any point down the road.
Since she has expressed that she intends to give it a shot with the other guy, you might have to respect that for now, and only try again if they were to end things. It seems like the guy may be a rebound relationship considering that it started pretty recent after the breakup with you. We broke up a month ago and i was like a crazy stalky and jealous ex She kept telling me that she wanted some space and time, that she wanted to be alone, and wanting to respect her choice i cope up with that for 1 week then the miss was too hard and talked and it always finished in a fight and she blocked me on all social media.
Since you've already gotten blocked and acted needy, you should give her some space for now and begin no contact instead. Fighting on under these circumstances would only ruin your chances further in getting back together with her. Yes I had completed NC and it went very well. But I think you're right.. She had been giving me a hard time about a few things, I did try my best to resolve those negative thoughts, because like you said in the 5 step plan its important to talk and sort stuff like this out.
I know shes had been speaking to someone else so I don't know if that's playing on her mind. When I told her that it was best to leave things she kept looking at old photos from stuff we've done together and showing me, so she clearly was emotional about it. Perhaps I need to change my approach and maybe start being a bit more strong headed?
If you genuinely want her back, being strong headed might not be the best idea as it may push her further away instead, reminding her of the past. Remember that you're supposed to have changed and improved for the better, so if something is bothering you regarding her, perhaps its best you be honest about those feelings and show her you're capable of communicating effectively. This might increase her affection towards you and even assure her that your change is something permanent. I was with this girl for over a year. We never got intimate as she wanted to get married. I went out of my way for her supported her financially, accepted and loved her son and family, she never posted anything about us on her social media and in December a week before Christmas we went to Hawaii with some friends.
We broke up while in Hawaii, and 2 months after that trip she changes all her profile pictures to her and a new guy kissing. Ive made no contact since we got back, I was so hurt but seeing that picture made me close that chapter to know she didnt love me but used me. I'm so sorry to hear that Chris, we sincerely hope that you'll be able to pick yourself up in time, and find happiness once more down the road.
So on Friday I met up with my ex.. We had quite a lengthy chat about a lot of stuff. We both had quite abit to drink and I was planning on staying over anyway. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to approach this? If you've already completed NC, the fact that she still doesn't see a future could either mean she hasn't fully let go of the negative emotions from the breakup, or that she really doesn't see a future with you at the moment although it's clear that she still has feelings for you.
You could consider replying and slowly working your way towards winning her back by giving her more space, or decide to walk away from things. Okay not looking for advice but would just like to comment that your advice worked too well! After 3 months of doing me, getting a new car, getting a new job, losing 20 lbs and looking and feeling great, my ex came back and said he was over his rebound and wanted to get back together. We talked for about 5 days and he said he thought I deserved better than him and I was doing so great he didn't want to interrupt that - and went back to the rebound chick.
Honestly it was very helpful though - made me realize that he's childish with commitment problems and I deserve better than whatever he is serving. Thanks for the advice! We're really proud of what you've achieved and we hope that these changes have made your life much better. All the best to you! My ex broke up with me. I just moved out Jan. He says she means nothing to him but yet he spends every weekend with her including Christmas and New Year's.
He said it's not cheating because he been told me he wasn't happy. Should I just forget about him? If the break up occurred prior to the start of him seeing another girl, then yes it wasn't cheating. However, if he had started seeing that person while you were still together, and even living under the same roof, he isn't worth it since he doesn't seem to understand the context of cheating or what it means to be in a relationship.
I was with this girl for about to years. It was a long distance relationship and we felt we were made for each other. She always wanted to communicate with me and she told me how much she loved me. We argued sometimes and she'll block on social media me but later come back telling me how she missed me and liked me. Just recently she told me she didn't wanna be in a relationship with me and wanted to be alone and that she doesn't like me. She wants to be just friends but I really love this girl and I want her.
She doesn't text me as she used to and when I text her she doesn't reply. It's like she doesn't care about me anymore. I did the no contact and got in touch with her, she's just been cold. If no contact did not work, you might want to think about why she may be acting this way. It may be necessary to go about no contact once more for a longer period before contacting her again.
However, the alternative to that if you aren't able to cope emotionally is to be fair to yourself and consider walking away. I really would want to walk away, take my mind off her but I love her and I'm always thinking about her. I've started the no contact again but I don't think she considers me a part of her life now.
I just wanna get over with this whole thing. My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. We agreed to focus on improving ourselves and not date or hookup with anyone else in the 2 weeks. Well he admitted to me he went on a few dates with a girl 8th grade ex gf When he is drunk he would send me photos of them together. But we still have been talking and seeing each other frequently. But he is also still taking her out on dates and talking to her. It just hurts so much he is so quickly enjoying dates and time with another girl. It sounds like a rebound especially since you guys were together for a period of time, and he's currently going through a novel experience by dating someone new.
I encourage that you follow through with no contact, work on improving yourself, not being his emotional bolster to turn to whenever he needs someone, and give him the space to realize that he's going through a rebound. Therefore, I can say that this does work. The response actually surprised me because she immediately suggested to meet up face to face, even is she is uncertain whether it will make a difference she says, but it seems like the right thing to do.
The month of absence for me was complete hell, I was literally waiting daily to hear from her, but then wrote myself after 30 days, and received a reply. What is very strange however, is that the day after she replied "we should meet up face to face", she blocked me from her facebook until then it was all normal and visible , not unfriended me, but I can't see any posts anymore that are not public. This is strange, and I don't understand this part. I hope that meeting her in real will bring some answers, as the break was very sudden and very strange, from everything great to a sudden complete stop.
I've read on your site that it might be that some exes don't want to upset the other in case they might want to come back, but I do fear the worst scenario, that there is someone else, let's hope this is not the case. Would also be a bit soon, after 30 days In any case, whereas she said out of the blue "we will never see each other again" around new year, wanting to meet in person is progress. Now I am not strong enough to project any strong security yet, so I hope I won't be too emotional meeting her.
I know we should be all manly and have made a change, but the truth is I've been too devastated for a month to make much progress, only thinking: If you have any tips for this first meet, for which I am very nervous feels like meeting her for the first time all over again and what the block in fb linked to that means, pls let me know Hi, im 22 my ex is 23 years old. He was my fiance for two years and we have dated 7 years.
We thought about getting married this year but few years was not good for us. By the way we were waiting till marriage but still did things.. I was working because of our future, he wanted attention, and intimacy i told him we can if he wants to, but he wanted to wait, sometimes i needed attention, because he was playing games.. So i throwed my ring and told him its over. But he didnt do anything he was tired, before that he was always telling me that im the one, he dont want to lose me. So we had a break, we wanted to start over but the thing was We've met 3 times and everything was there, we were flirting, talking, laughing but when we were talking about relashionship he was on phone smiling, i didnt show but i was jealous.
But messages from him and chating was great, we were talking like we used to with romantic emojis and that he miss me.. He told me he dont want to get hurt again and that he will act like everythings perfect and will not show his feelings anymore. What I suppose to do? How do I get back with him? If you were together with him for such a long period, and he is capable of dating other people so quickly, it either goes to show that he may have lost interest in the relationship a while back hence his priorities of meeting friends and playing games over you , or he just doesn't want to deal with the negative emotions of dealing with a break up.
The new girl he's seeing is probably a rebound however, considering the time you've been with him and that's also why it may be hard for him to let go of her so soon, since it's providing for a new experience which he has not had in a long time. We dated for about 3 months before getting together for 6 months. During the dating period we were really happy together. However, as this was my first relationship, I didn't maintain it well enough to make her happy each day like texting her as and when I'm free.
We had an arguement and it got worse after. All she wanted was an apology, my time and attention. I regreted all that has happened. Soon after she initiated to break up as I didn't try to understand and solve the issue within the two weeks. Two months after, I realize she is dating someone new, much older but he seems to be experienced enough to text her every single day including morning and night.
I'm now on NC and not sure what I can do next. It is really hard to initiate conversation with her as she is a loyal girl who sticks to a guy at a time. She will most likely ignore my message if I text. What else can I do? In this scenario, it could either lead to 2 outcomes. The first is that if the relationship you shared was meaningful, there's a likelihood that the guy she's dating now is a rebound and would eventually end. The second and worse of the two outcomes is that she has moved on to something better and isn't going to look back, because it was your first relationship and didn't maintain it well enough it's no fault of yours.
Either way, there's not much you could do right now, except pick yourself up, and focus on NC as well as moving on. If an opportunity presents itself again in the future and you feel something for her still, perhaps you could give it another shot then. How long do the rebound relationship usually last? What if the new guy is really experienced and treats her well enough of the things I didn't do? Is she still feeling emotional about our relationship or that she has moved on to the new guy? I only managed to understand the whole stituation after the break up and it gave me a lesson learnt.
I really do hope that I can get her back together and do the right things for her to be happy. It is a torture to be waiting and thinking each day when will they eventually end.
Dedicated to your stories and ideas.
A word of advice would be to not sit around and wait for them to eventually end, because there's really no telling when it will end. In this particular situation, I hate to break it to you, but he may or may not actually be a rebound considering that you had no prior relationship experience, so there was a limit to the impression you may have left her with. I suggest focusing on picking yourself up, and even trying to move on for the time being - you might want to consider dating again in the near future to gain more exposure as well. If she happens to break up with her current partner in the future, and an opportunity presents itself, you could always consider your options then.
I commented like a month back about my ex breaking up with me and moving onto a girl who is He is 24 and I am So it's been 3 days past the 30 day NC period and still haven't started any contact again. I didn't do so well in the no contact period. I was motivated in the beginning and still am, have been going consistently to the gym, reading motivational books, but have days where I am crying for hours. Now they are becoming more often. Also 2 weeks ago, my ex who blocked me on everything did this thing where he followed and unfollowed me on snapchat after an hour and then the next day followed me didn't follow back at all but then posted pics with her that night on instagram.
I also found out he unblocked me on all social media and even my number but made his instagram private. I'm getting too into details but I thought it was weird because I know he blocks contact with exes and apparently he's so happy with her. They haven't posted anything on instagram since that post like 2 weeks ago but all the posts are still there. I'm still confused and really let this get to me in the 2nd half of NC. I'm also really hesitant about contacting again. Do you have any advice on where to go from here? Social media has the tendency to present a very false state of truth, where people post pictures or snaps of being happy or traveling the world, but actually have many issues they do not show.
Just like how you upload snaps of going out with your friends and looking happy, your ex might be doing the same. However, if he's seen all your posts and unfollowed you after, he might be curious to see how you've been doing, and may even start to feel confused. That being said, he isn't about to just break up with his girlfriend immediately and jump back into your arms.
Time is still needed for events to unfold, but for the meantime, you should focus on why you've been feeling worse lately and crying more, instead of waiting for him or thinking too much about the situation. The likelihood of her being in a rebound relationship is dependent on the type and length of relationship the both of you shared. If things were serious and there was a meaningful relationship, it's possible that she is going through a rebound.
But you also have to consider why the relationship didn't work out in the first place, because that would explain further how she feels about you. I would recommend letting her relationship run it's course, and you shouldn't interfere with it, as it may push her further away. In the meantime, focus on the potential issues you had as a partner, and work on improving yourself. That way, when you decide to contact her again, at least there's a significant change that she may notice from you, which further sparks interest.
My ex boyfriend and I dated for nearly 5 years. I was 18 when we first started dating. We had an amazing relationship, we both knew we wanted to be together as we discussed marriage and kids. However, over 6 months ago my feelings seemed to have changed for him, I told him about it and broke up with him We were great for 2 months however his family decided to cut me off because of what I did and treated me poorly.
I lost all my confidence, I lost direction and I just knew he could do better than me. So I broke it off with him again and this was just over 4 months ago. He was devastated, he tried so hard to get me back in the first month as he told me I was the love of his life. However, when we met up one night he told me he has slept with someone at his work and basically his feelings changed towards me.
I stopped contact for 7 weeks. I heard nothing from him, so I contacted him because I found out he lost his job. We started talking again, we went for lunch and he was shocked in how well I was looking so he was messaging me a lot to hang etc He told me he missed me. He kept snap chatting me since then and I found out he was seeing the same girl he slept with from work through mutual friends as he was taking her to coffee shops and shops my friends work at. I asked him about it and he said he has no feelings for her at all and that hanging with someone because he was miserable made it easier.
He is constantly with her and they were together NYE. I decided to cut him off social media along with his family. What do you think this relationship is? Because prior to cutting him off he was sill occasionally talking to me and always snap chatting me. As he told me that if I stop talking to him there would be no hope for us in the future. I feel so confused. It could very well be a rebound relationship as he doesn't want to personally deal with the emotions of losing you, and decides to take comfort in someone else. If he is cutting you off right now, you shouldn't linger around and wait for him as you've tried reaching out once only for him to sleep with you then go back to dating the other girl.
Hi I broke up with my ex on 20th December and i was really confused The thing is that i was talking to this guy, that i thought i liked, on a social media ig and even tho my ex told me he deleted my account from his phone, he lied and a few days ago, he saw the conversation and got angry and hurt But soon after i saw him doing the same thing, even worse. He was flirting with another girl and he was acting the way he used to act with me when we were together.
Right now, the best thing to do is to give him some space to cool off. He is acting this way clearly because he is upset at your actions and wants revenge. Never let that get the better of you, and just let him know that you're sorry once more before applying no contact. I'm 19 years old, my ex is My ex-girlfriend and I were together for 2,5 years. We broke up 6 months ago. One month after our break-up we kissed again at a festival and it was quite obvious that she wanted to get together again.
She wasn't drunk when we spoke about this. However I wanted to slow things down a little bit just to give us some time to think about everything. Right after the break-up I wasn't really panicking or anything just because my friends and family took me out a lot and there was never a really a moment for me to actually think about what had happened. The main reason why we broke up it was a mutual decision was the fact that I didn't give her much attention near the end of our relationship, as I was in my first year at university and I was quite concentrated on my work.
I didn't know well how to manage my time, so we sort of lost connection. About 4 months after we broke up we started talking again and I realised that I still loved her. However, she told she had had sex with someone who then turned out to be a player. We met a couple of times before I found this article and I told her that I still loved her. She said that she was over our relationship. A couple of days ago, a friend of mine told me that she really didn't want to have a relationship with me anymore and that she was interested in someone else who apparently doesn't even look at her in real life.
I've been doing the NC-rule for about 25 days now. One day I accidently bumped into her at the supermarket and I didn't say anything to her so now she thinks I'm mad at her which a part of me is. How should I consider the guy she's interested in and should I stick to the regular 5 step-plan from this website? At this point, you should take what things are happening at face value.
You could always start off as friends first after your NC and just slowly build a connection back up if you genuinely still want her back. But never put pressure on her to make a choice since right now, both of you are not together. We got to know each other really well, had common goals, and were even talking about marriage since that was very important to him I was hesitant because he would talk about getting married 2 years from now which was early for me.
We're both in school so things started to get stressful a month in. We fought once a week then multiple times a week, all on text. We started to focus on positive things less, he said he didn't feel connected as much but everytime we saw each other, it's like we hadn't fought. It felt like he really wanted to make it work. He did mention this classmate he worked on a project with and went to her apartment. Both his exes cheated on him so he had trust issues so he said he would never do that to me or go behind my back.
I mentioned a guy my friend was trying to set me up with to help me move on I told my ex I wasn't interested but he didn't like it. Do you have any advice? It seems like he's trying to get back at you, and this girl is probably a rebound that was emotionally there for him during the times you guys were fighting.
If he really has nothing in common with her, they would not last. Also, based on what you told me and how fast they jumped right into things, it would seem like she's most likely a rebound. Focus on your life, improve yourself, even go on other dates. If you guys shared a meaningful relationship, it's unlikely that he would get over you so quickly. I'm just so confused. He just didn't seem like the type of guy to do that, especially since he would say I'd never do that to anyone since both of his exes cheated.
But it was only like 2.
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I don't get it. I'm nervous because he started saying things like it wasn't love for us even though he thought it was and that we weren't compatible. In the months of getting to know each other he would say we were a team and we had a lot in common. Hi, I posted earlier, but I don't think it actually posted bc I can't find my post now. He said he loved me, believes he is in love with me, and that I'm his best and only friend but I deserve everything I want and he doesn't think he's the guy to give it to me. I'm the longest relationship he's had as an adult, the only woman he's said I love you to, and the only woman he's lived with.
He has not had a serious adult relationship. However, 4 days later he was sleeping with a woman from work who is the exact opposite of everything he's ever said he's wanted. She 37, mother of 4, divorced, uneducated, smoker, and a truck driver at the same dead end job he's at and hates so much and trying to leave when he's done with his master's. He's explained that she's nice and he's not just sleeping with her.
That he likes her despite the ridicule he receives at work. He told me he prefers me over her and that she doesn't even come close to me so I am not to compare myself. We agreed I would move out in June, so he has since moved out and he found a rental close to her. She is already posting on facebook that he's the one. Meanwhile, every time he comes to maintain the property he tells her that I'm not here and he proceeds to hug, kiss, and spank me playfully.
I told him if he really liked her then he would be honest with her. He agreed that he doesn't want to be that kind of man for anyone. It sounds like he got a case of cold feet, but I'm not sure. He seems to be doing everything in his power to make it work with this woman who is so obviously a poor replacement of me but also an excellent distraction from him having to deal with our breakup and lovers and best friends.
In fact, he still admits that I'm still his best friend and he can't talk to her as openly and without defense as he can with me. I don't want to be the other woman in his relationship, but is this a rebound even if he's trying to do everything right and take her wishes into consideration? Also, am I being wishful in assuming he got a case of cold feet?
Do I proceed with no contact? I've been doing my part in bettering myself. Every time he sees me he tells me how great I look and that our breakup suites me. I've told him I went on a date to which he showed jealousy and admitted it but then shook it off saying he can't really say anything considering what he's doing himself. Is there hope for us? There might be hope for you, but not right now. If that relationship he's in is a rebound which it sounds like , then you should not continue to stay hopeful in one place but at least move on a little, so that you don't constantly think of it.
I would suggest proceeding with NC and just in general, moving on with life for the moment. I appreciate the feedback and I'll continue to work on myself. Actually, I'm feeling better about myself everyday. It wasn't a bad breakup and we both remained respectful and civil with each other. There's love there, I'm just not sure whay kind of love it is, romantic or friendship.
But I'll move forward as though it's done and let him figure out what he wants in life. Meanwhile, I'll just get back to being who I was before I dedicated my life to him and his well - being. Hey Ryan, I was with my ex for 9 years. He proposed in may and things seemed fine. Maybe a little stressful with wedding planning and me being in school and working full time. Then around mid october out of nowhere he states he's unhappy and he's been unhappy for a while and that I treated him like shit for 9 years.
I know I can be snappy at times and I begged for the first couple of weeks to give me another chance and to work on each other but he would just say that he gave me so many chances. In the back of my mind I always had this gut feeling about this girl that he was working with. Since last november I told him I felt uncomfortable with him being friends with her. Last December someone actually made a fake facebook account and messaged me how close the two of them are and how they hung out before school all the time.
When I confronted him he said some crazy person at school was starting rumors. Fast forward to the present I found out that they have been talking and he went to her for our relationship advice and they both got feelings for each other. I caught him at her house and she met his family 3 weeks after we broke up. I know this has been going on for a while so I am unsure if this is still considered a rebound.
He lied to me and his friends about the girl and is still trying to hide her. He told everyone that he and the girl were going on a break to prove to everyone that he did not break up with me for her. Over the next month and a half I have been seeing a therapist and things seemed to be going okay with my ex and I.
He would always be the one to initiate the conversations and we went shopping, dinner, and the movies a couple of weeks ago and things seemed great. He even texted me how much fun he had. He just keeps saying he is scared to give me another chance and doesn't think that I will change. He would go back and forth every couple of weeks. An example, I was in Miami one weekend and he was constantly texting me and his friends telling us that he wanted to work it out.
As soon as I told him if we are trying to work on each other then he would eventually have to find work somewhere else he flipped out saying I was trying to control him. He obviously still wants to be with this girl and is now using the excuse "I'm working on myself. I have not spoken to him in a week. I am just afraid that not talking to him is bringing him and the girl closer together. Do I continue with the no contact and is this girl a rebound or not?
He would think you aren't capable of change because you're still in relatively constant contact with him and just like it's hard to tell if someone lost weight if you saw them everyday, this works out to be the same - change can't be seen clearly if you see the person or talk to the person constantly.
I suggest proceeding with NC to actually work on any issues you had to become an improved version of yourself first. This girl could be a rebound but it really depends on the situation was he cheating all this while or only started dating her after the breakup.
Honestly, in this situation, you might want to mentally prepare to walk away because if he can't even be honest towards you or his friends about this, you might find it hard to trust him on future occasions if you guys were to work things out. I just think he's using the excuse I won't change because of the girl. She was so nice and I was so politely nasty and after it was all said and done, I felt no better. His first wife one of the nicest people I have ever met.
I realized he is her problem now and thanked God for that. Suddenly so much pain and anger was lifted. I have been following this thread hoping to immunize myself against what is likely, considering that my EUM made me his Band-Aid girl before he was done divorcing his ex-wife. I know she was really upset to find out that he had taken up with me before they had finished up, and who could blame her.
DazedAndConfused, I will remember your words: I lived in constant fear. I was so fearful of losing him, and I felt like I was always on the verge. Not only that, but because he constantly criticized me, told me I was not that great looking, told me I was not in good shape, and told me that I was bitchy and crazy all of which are false accusations; he merely wanted me to feel bad about myself, and he had succeeded , I constantly felt inferior.
Assclowns like him no longer interest me in the least. I see him as the equivalent of a platonic friend. Because like you said, they all seem sweet to begin with, they all try hard for as long as it takes. Are there really any men that WANT to do any work? Will someone please answer me, because I thought I had a full life and respected myself before, but these men still seem to find me.
Mine seemed wonderful in the beginning but there were a few subtle indicators that struck me as odd, I only wish i had followed through with my feelings instead of ignoring these red flags. It helps you figure our yourself what type of Fallback Girl you are and how to change. If you do not change, these assclowns will find you no matter where you are. Their insecurities mirror yours, and they know exactly what questions to ask, what things to say to get you reeled in.
The similarity between one to the next. Happiness, is one of those great rewards. I broke off all contact 3 weeks ago well, with one backslide…sorry! I agonized over this kind of behavior for a long time. Yes, BBP is correct. Stay away from the dating site you frequently see him on. If you are in the obsessing phase it will only feed that behavior.
The obsessing will make you wonder, worry, analyze things over and over. Stay clear of that dating site-otherwise you will spend endless hours and energy obsessing about this guy when you could be spending all that time on yourself figuring what you need to do to move on. But I went out tonight and had supper cooked for me by a platonic male friend,who I had a massive crush on earlier this year, and it was lovely.
I was wrong, obviously, but it brought to light how you can only be friends with a man if the sexual attraction thing is over or out of the way. Anyway ladies, thanks for the advice. Grace, you are friends with his ex — the dude from the dating site?? How did that happened?? He is 45, so let him be on that dating site and continue the BS he is pulling or trying with the women.
You know what he is and that is all that matters. He mentioned she lived close to me and had a few problems. I think maybe he wanted us to be friends so he ends up looking like the good guy, but I know that when he started seeing me, he was rubbing her nose in it a bit,which was very unfair.
He also dumped another woman on the dating site for me, which was interesting. He did it on the phone, which he also did with the ex I am now friends with. This is a behavior that actually hurts you even more in the end and not him. And why would someone want to lie, hide and sneak around? BBP, you said it perfectly!
Once the contacts on the dating site dries up, he will be looking for you for an ego stroke. I have two young sons, and I just want to know how do I raise them to be good, emotionally available men. My EUM has low self esteem but a big ego which I think has come from his upbringing, which has made him hate himself, but enjoy the ego boost that being with women gives him, and is controlling now because he feels he was over-controlled by his mother, and dislikes his father.
I believe he is seeing a 27 year old with whom he works he is At a minimum, they are definitely chasing each other basis texts I saw. He was married for 10 years and lived with a woman for 3 years. Before he was married, he had other long term relationships. Being in a long term relationship is not an indicator of being committed or being emotionally available.
You last sentence is very truthful and what I know in my head. My hips and butt are too fat? I would appreciate any advice on how to get my heart to accept and what my head knows. Character, respect, knowing joy in your life — these are essential foundations. They can and should last a life time. On the other hand — if your SO is attracted because of your figure, your percentage of body fat, your prettiness — he is attracted to figure, thin or fat, or pretty — and likely not you. You need him to be dependable, secure, content, respected and respectable.
You need a guy that picks you for those same reasons. I woke up to find that you are still posting and obviously crying out for help. I am wondering whether you have had a chance to read any of the posts that have been recommended, have read the threads posted by Brad and NML. If you have, have you found any solice and answers as to why her not me and your feeling used? I will share a story with you without going into detail that what you are experiencing has been experienced by others on here, including myself.
I got involved with a Minister many years ago. This all unfolded in the church we went to and where he is a Minister, the gossip was flying and I thrived on it. I was heartbroken beyond belief and I carried the extreme pain for many years, never had the children or the relationship that I so desparately wanted and thought he would provide. That never happened either except in my own mind.
Over the years that yearning faded away and I can now look at it objectively, only after many years on and off of therapy and counseling. The answers to all of this are right under your nose, HERE and people have answered many of the questions you have asked but you are not hearing it. It seems as though you are just looking to vent. You have want to help yourself first before getting help from others. I hate how my friend put me in the awkward position of taking her there! Whatever… But now I finally see that he would have proved himself to be an AC anyways. Let them ignore me! I know who I am.
Thank you for letting me vent, BTW. This is what bothered me.ns1.rootguards.com/map74.php
Is it right to date someone new when you're not over your ex? - Chicago Tribune
Yes, I did like him, at one time: NML, if you were from a small community and a shame-based culture and society, maybe you would understand better what I am talking about: Also, I am not looking for signs or an ego stroke from him that he still wants me, or regrets what he did. Though it would be nice! Just recently I found out the guy I was speaking with was still talking to his ex.
He would constantly make me upset or cry. Then on top of that one day I asked him why he was so tired now I know with the late night phone calls he was making to her and he totally snapped on me. At least I finally approached him and told him what was up and that I knew. He of course denied.
Even recently when I try to make small talk after the breakup he wants nothing to do with me. Im sure hes still calling her etc. I gave up on trying to talk to him since he was rediculous and was acting like a baby grabbing at anything to throw into my face while I was trying to have a mature conversation about where we stood as friends. Mostly about me wasting my time for so long.
All the false promises and the denial I just cant stand the fact that some men will deny even when caught red handed….. Crayonsrfun— How in the world did you find out about the late-nite calls he made? Do you live together? Heck no im not speaking to him anymore!!! I will NOT be second ever. And I made that clear when I walked. I found out about the calls from his friends. Mainly because he was hanging around his boys a lot and they knew what was up. They saw how much I was doing for him and of course they dont really like the ex so hence telling me.
Crayonsrfun— He used you as a confidence-booster. You helped him get his confidence back, so he could make those calls to the ex. Consider yourself very lucky that his friends were honest with you! Yeah Im lucky but at the same time I knew it deep down. We all have an uncanny sense of that when someone is up to no good.
I had a feeling that something was going on. During the beginning not so much but then this one time he didnt contact me for a whole week. I might have been lucky to get one call for about 5 minutes. Dont get me wrong I knew something was going on. And I wasnt kidding! He is testing his limits! How much time did you waste before dumping him? I guess I am lucky because he was a control freak,but how are you suppose to feel when you ex left you after you had a miscarriage for another woman and 6 months later she is pregnant and he is rubbing it in your face?
I feel like relapseing. Stormy— Relapsing into what? You should feel lucky in not having him in your life…you know he is bad news. God works in mysterious ways. And the current pregnancy may even be strong proof of his controlling behavior over HER. Family Man he who had the rep of a jerk and a player, which I learned after dating him one month , and Mr.
Thoughtful Gentleman he acts very generous with his time and money. I do not have kids yet, and I have had problems getting pregnant. I miscarried once, too. I live in peace, with a normal, healthy man. If we have to adopt, so be it! Stormy— Why are you even bringing up saying goodbye to him? He does not deserve to hear the sound of your voice or a glance, much less a goodbye. If any of your mutual friends or acquaintances inform him of your leaving, or he otherwise finds out that you are leaving soon e. How generous of him! A good way for you to start spring, a bad way for him!
But — he lied. You know he lied. Why would you continue to be close enough to worry about how many he has in line? With someone willing to lie about themselves and others, you have nothing to respect, nothing to honor — and his lack of respect and honesty and honor will break you down. Untruths and being undependable can also be signs of alcohol or drug abuse, or other addiction, i. So I would have bounced his butt out the door long before the question of getting close ever came up.
I am sorry about your miscarriage. The best revenge, though, is living well, or as well as you can. Choose to befriend and interact with respectful people, people that live honorable and disciplined lives. And do what you can to cut off communications with this sick individual. I wish his current baby-mama all the luck in the world. There is nothing she could have done that deserved having him in her life. Blessed be, and I pray your healing continues, and your grief comes to a gentler place in your heart. All of these comments really help a lot!!
I agree with the NC rule, it helps also. My situation is very complex at the moment. I was dating a guy for 2 years on and off long distant.. We talk time to time, and he still trys to control whats going on in my life asking me about my personal dating etc.. Why is he with her if he still has feelings for me? How can I say this. For your own sake go NC, you have nothing to gain but a low self-esteem. Yes he is extremely selfish…it is putting me through a roller coaster ride…and something just holds me back.
It is surely like a game…. I dread th day if exeum contacts me.. That should get him to stop. His charm and flirting sucked me into his world and in the end, I got hurt. Talk about rubbing salt in my wound. Funny-as I am typing this, guess who just text me to tell me about some good news about a job promo? I am NOT responding to him. Not surprisingly, she saw us together and decided she wanted his friendship back. He wanted to maintain a friendship until he decided what he wanted and I said no.
My friends now look at me as the example of how to weed out men and stay away from bad relationships. All I have to remember is that dating and being in love is supposed to feel good. Good luck ladies, keep reading the site and heeding the advice. I only hope that I can be as strong as you in the not-so-distant future. Even after breaking it off with my EUM a couple of months ago, my heart still aches and I find myself crying once in a while. And you are right JC, if I ever find myself in a relationship where I am constantly feeling bad, I need to get out.
All I can say is thank God I found this website. It has literally saved my life. I too am in a similar situation and desperately need some encouragement. My problems started about 4 years ago. I am a professional, moral, and intelligent woman for starters. I am so devastated and ashamed of my circumstances. My assclown lives a couple houses down from me in our neighborhood. Our families have been friends for 6 years, our children play together. Assclown left his wife about 3 years ago. During his separation from her, he openly informed me that he had feelings for me, knowing that I was happily married.
When I realized I was definitely attracted to him, I knew that being in a close proximity with him was not a good idea. I avoided him for about 2 years. He continued to pursue me. He was not remorseful and I was very hurt during that time, praying for an apology. Well last year out of the blue, he came down to my home and apologized for his behavior saying that he missed me and wanted our families to be friends again. He said that he has loved me for 4 years. Well, I lost my faculties! I forgave him immediately. He would only see me an hour or two a week, sometimes not at all.
He was all talk and no action, promising this get away, this outing, etc. We basically had a texting relationship only. We loved by text, had sex by text, and fought by text. Texting is not meant to be the only form of communication in a relationship. I hate to admit it but he gave me what I needed: It was a nice change from what I had been getting for the last 15 years.
The only reason I allowed the relationship to start was because when he said he loved me for 4 years and with the way I felt about him, I thought we might be soulmates, I had to find out. I was so deceived and misled. I love my husband, and I am ashamed for what I did. But I was confused and life is too short to let the love of your life pass you by. He had many personal problems: So, to save what dignity I had left, I stopped trying.
The last thing I told him was that I would love him until I took my last breath and that he would always know I felt our love was worth fighting for. This is the short version. My soul was shattered, my heart completely broken. I believe I would have left my family for this man. I am absolutely crazy in love him. He said he was in love with me long before I realized I was in love with him. I never thought we would break up. I mean, hell, he pursued me for 4 years, I figured he knew exactly what he wanted. Thankfully, I realize what I have with my husband and am putting my part of the marriage back together.
This is my problem: I have to see him every day. He was so mean to me in the end and I worry he is laughing inside at my stupidity, when all along I thought I was the love of his life. It kills me to see him with her and his wife. It hurts to breathe and I have had times where I just prayed that my heart would stop beating because it hurts so much.
As each day passes, I am more devastated. After everything, my love for him has not diminished. He is a terrible person and I know deep down he is not happy. I feel I am paying all the consequences and having all the pain while he is content with his new love interest, like he has erased me from his mind like I never existed. If anyone has any insight into my situation, please help me.
I found out that my ex, who is still married, is still with the girl he starting dating after me… god, it stung a little to hear that.. I know what it was like when i was there.. Mine was like that too. Anytime I tried to tell him my feelings or talk to him seriously after all I thought he would value what I felt, had to say, contribute to the relationship, and value my opinions NOT!
I was so hurt.
Thanks for the feedback, I need all I can get. I just checked in here to reread this article for my own self sanity. Keep reading and reading and reading all the articles on this site. I was hurt because I trusted, for 3 years. And he turned out to be a real jerk, and even though I know he is a jerk, it still has taken me a long time to finally get over the fact that this is never really going to have a happy ending. I have a feeling he met another woman while still married to fill my shoes when I would no longer keep seeing him unless we could do it out in the open, legitimately.
I think it is really awesome that you still have love for your husband, and that there is a chance to keep that relationship going and maybe even make it stronger. I give you a lot of credit for that and hope that all works out for you. Even though it may be hard to believe it now while you are in the thick of hurting and healing…. How long it takes is different for everyone. I have dealt with the same thing. When I hear that sound on other computers, my hair immediately stands up on the back of my neck and I immediately think of him.
Funny how the little things you think are of no importance remind us of so much. I too hope you catch the next ball. Thankyou for the encouragement. I hope I can be as encouraging to others in their time of need as well. I too am on about 4 months of no contact and it has been a difficult road.
Just when I think I am doing good, I have set backs regularly. It sounds like you made the decision to end things, and rightly so, because you deserve to be seen out in the open appropriately. We are all too good to be stowed away in the closet until the assclowns want us. You were very generous and gave that jerk more than enough time to know what he wanted. I wish I had been the one to end it with my jerk, and really I am not sure which scenario is easier to deal with, but it would beat feeling like I have been — feeling used, discard to the side of the street like litter, with no control over how things ended.
But, God has a bigger plan, and this may have happened because he knew I would never be able to end things with him. I am having a very hard time, but I can only believe your advice that things will get better over time. Every day is just another slap in the face when I have to see him and see him with O. He watches me regularly, but there is nothing in his eyes anymore, and that just breaks me to the core. Just so hard to keep my head up and act like I have moved on and am happy. But that is all I can do to keep what dignity I have left. This whole nightmare has made me question who I am to the core of my being, what I have become, question the very essence of myself.
I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for your situation as well. Nothing good ever comes out of affairs, cheating or feelings like that. I have a huge motto, i live by it and continually preach.. There are red flags that these men wave and we, as women, fall every time, despite the red flags.
The bottom line is that it never lasts and most of the time the men, who are habitual cheats, liars, selfish and emotionally unavailable, eventually move on and cast their dark shadow on another girl. What you have to keep going back to is that it was not all great. The highs, the lows, the anxiety etc…. There were days I truly wanted to die, but you get thru it, and come out the other end a better person and much more wise.
It will never happen.. Move on and learn from your experience.. It took me 4 months after changing my phone number, blocking his calls, booty calls, and disppointment after disappointment that i finally turned and NEVER looked back. I had reached such a low point in my life from it, i could not do it to myself anymore, and I chose to move on. My XEUM is a serial online dater, extremely promiscuous and a lying cheat.
Nonetheless, I think about him often and about the 27 year old that he was texting while we were on vacation and sending pictures of our vacation. Suddenly, I realized how true all of this is….. YES, that part is absolutely true! So, there you have it…. In fact, she has everything I had — the rollercoaster ride, the lying, the cheating, everything XEUM has to offer in the way of aberrant behavior!
Most importantly, she also has the heartache and pain that comes with this guy. Thanks for the encouragement. It is nice to know I am not totally alone. Everything you said I totally agree with. My love is and was real and the strongest emotions of my life, but unfortunately his supposed feelings were short-lived as you pointed out. I am not built that way.
I was led to believe that I was the love of his life like he made you feel the sun and moon set and rose with you. Then just like that, nothing else. No remorse, no contact, no care, nothing. Gone in the blink of an eye. And you are right, the majority of our relationship was NOT great! He hurt me, was cruel to me, lied to me, misled me, and made me cry so many times. He was a mean asshole.
I can understand and relate to you when you say that there were days you just wanted to die. This has also been the lowest point of my life and the grief took over every aspect of my life. I was reduced to a state of despair, let myself go, let my work go, etc. I stopped carrying it after the first week, then stopped checking it after the first month, then finally took a hammer to it and crushed it into a million pieces.
He could still contact me through my email if he chose or could get off his lazy ass and walk 2 houses down to my house to talk to me like a decent human being deserves. I totally understand and empathize with you and your situation. Unfortunately, the thought of him holding, kissing, or making love to another woman is not something I can handle right now.
The thought of it destroys me. And I feel selfish and guilty for hoping that his relationships crash and burn.
He’s with someone else – Why her and not me?
Why am I the only one paying consequences? He pursued me for 4 years, got what he wanted, dumped me on my rear, and appears to have no lasting consequences from his actions? We went from texting several times per day and night to nothing, cold turkey. How can a person not care that you have lost that closeness? How can he not miss me? Thanks for sharing and encouraging. You said something like you found yourself in a situation where you never expected to find yourself. These guys, on the other hand, are sort of skilled at what they do.
They tend to pursue hard, and then get what they want, and then after they are done, they pull away almost as fast as they started the pursuit. Women like us who are kind of naive and trusting are left wondering what we did, or what is wrong with us…. We just made a mistake. Pursuing married men is not a life style for me. You are going to be the one to benefit. You can pick your life up and be a better person after this whole chapter is over….
You are on this web-site seeking help and working on changing yourself. He is just going to continue looking for the next woman to fulfill the void in his life. Did you say he is now involved with a woman in the neighborhood.. I was not strong enough to ignore his texts and was definitely not strong enough to not reach out to him, so i had to block. It worked for me, plain and simple.
You will eventually get tired of being tired. It will wear on you and then you will turn the corner. That is what happened to me, but it was about 4 months til I finally had to take action and do something for myself. I have not seen him in almost a year.. I did see his car at a place once in December but opted not to go in. Why put myself thru that.. You can see his condo from the highway.. During his separation from her is when he started pursuing me, and continued to do so even after he moved back in with her.
He and I started seeing each other last July, after I could no longer resist his pursuits. Well about 4 months into it, I noticed that the neighbor woman across the street started visiting him and hanging out at his house, in his garage, with him etc. I asked him to stop participating in that behavior, which he assured me nothing was going on with them.
Other neighbors have seen him sitting in the garage, then when she comes in, he closes the garage door. He hands out with her at her house too. She carries cups of coffee down to his house for him. So yeah, I know I should run away fast. That is what I am trying to do, my heart just keeps getting in the way.
You are right, and I am already tired of being tired. I am tired of him being in my every thought, every breath. I am so disappointed in myself and feel so stupid to have gotten myself into this mess and believed his lies and deceit. He is a scumbag! I hope one day I can be as strong as you are. Thanks for you advice, I need all I can get. I can totally relate your story. The jerks only tell you what they want you to know and be a part of. You are doing so well on your NC. The OW across the street is also about 25 years younger than him, not attractive, also married, etc.
And you are right, it has felt good to have less drama in my life without him causing it, wondering every day if I am going to hear from him, if he will want to see me, if he will start up crap with me or make me feel bad, etc. That part I do NOT miss. Life has been a bit less complicated without him in it.
Thanks for your insight. It was nice outside today and I was sitting outside with my laptop working. I saw my assclown, who lives two doors down from me on our street, drive by with his wife and family. Hopefully everyone has read my story to understand the details. I really miss him so much and hate that SHE even though she has every right since she is his wife gets to go places with him, eat with him, see him in the morning and at night. He stopped talking to me in Jan with no explanation, just cut me off cold turkey.
Since I feel things are so unresolved, seeing him with her completely destroys my heart. Remember this assclown also has a relationship going on with the woman across the street, and I have to watch him with her as well. I am also having a really time understanding why these types of men can treat us like this after we have been nothing but kind and generous and loving and patient, and not have to pay any consequences. WE are the ones who pay the consequences, and they carry on like they never knew us. Miserable Love… you will never find the answers, trust me on that.
I have read so many books on this and still never found the answers.. That is not how it works, and it will take some time to see that. These men are not real, they are shells, they are insecure, self centered and have no idea what love is. The fact that you have to see him everyday sucks.. I remember when i broke up with my ex assclown last year, we had a very good mutual friend, a guy.
He asked about a month after the break up.. I will never forget that.. You will be better, you will rise above this and he will still be doing the sam sht. Jump on your lap top on the back deck next time.. Try to take small steps to avoid little setbacks.. Thanks for the advice. You are absolutely right. My assclown is definitely narcissistic and probably bipolar with his mood swings.
What you said about him being a shell and not real is the absolute truth. What I fell in love with was a facade, and does not exist. He was faking it or acting the whole time, just to reel me in. I am slowly pulling away from the habit of watching him, looking out the window, etc. I just miss him and feel happy just catching a glimpse of him.
So, I might as well sit in the back with my laptop or stay in the house, like you said. He has been out of my sight for 4 months and I love him just as much as I ever did and probably always will. I am really bitter about being the one who is paying all the consequences of our failed relationship or both of our poor decisions, etc. He persistently bothered me for 4 years like a perpetrator, relentless, pushy, etc. I am really stuck on this. Does anyone else struggle with this, and can anyone else see when their assclown pays consequences?? These articles are always like a kick up the backside for me.
This is exactly true: I understand everything this article says and logically, I agree with it. The reality is this.. Trust me on this.. I used to say the same exact thing. He will be with this girl til she starts asking questions or until she sees thru his facade and moves on. Who wants to live like that? Sharp and to the point.. Thank you for being my friend and listening and understanding.
I will get that book and read it. I am so glad to have found someone who knows exactly what I am going through. And lots of people on this site have had similar issues with assclowns. I sure hope you are right about the fact that he is paying consequences. The hope that he is is the only thing getting me through each day right now. I do have another question: The last time I talked to him in January, he had already cut me off cold turkey, stopped responding to my texts, so I tried one last ditch effort to walk down to his house when he was out so that I could get the truth to my face.
I still to this day have no idea what happened, what decision he had to make, etc. I asked him if he wanted to talk, he said NO, so I turned around and walked away and never looked back, never have spoken to him again. So needless to say, I felt kicked to the curb, slamblasted. I have done an excellent job, but inside I feel like dying and crawling under a rock because I worry that he is laughing inside at my stupidity and that he thinks I am an idiot.
What can I do to let him know that I am better without him, happier, and that he lost the best thing he ever had?? Any advice or insight into this? Miserable Love, why do you want to know that you are back on top? He is married, you are married. He has a perfect shield — his marriage that he can hide behind. He got money from you, right? What do you think he wants from her? This man is nothing but a user, he used you, the other woman on the street, the other woman 2 streets over and so on.
I apologize if I come across too harsh, I had my own experience. Astelle, If you had your own experience it is likely you understand what I am going through… I have no intention or desire to contact him, walk to his house, wave at him, etc. I feel so victimized and violated by how he treated me. He was so cruel, mean, insensitive, never caring much about my feelings, then to top it all off, he said he had too much going on in his life to put up with me and my demand for respect and for him to value my feelings and opinions. How does a person come back from something like that?
Especially when I have to see him every single day, as he lives two doors down? It is hard to go outside knowing that you were violated in such a vile manner. It has been really hard for me to hold my head high. I gave him everything that I am, my soul, my heart, my love and was left with nothing from him.
Yes, he is seeing other women. I am not sure what he is looking for. Sex for sure, maybe he is looking for someone better than his wife?? I understand that he is a user and that he used me, all the more reason that it is important for ME to somehow know that down deep HE KNOWS what an ass he is and that he knows I am a better person and better off without him. That is what I wanted to know. Miserable Love, I feel like you need to try as much as possible to breathe and bring your sight line back to you.
While he may be physically proximate, you are allowing him to eclipse your every thought as well. And the reality of him is he is a MESS and not in a sympathetic way! It is so, so painful to lose love, no matter how it revealed itself. But your words describe such a toxic situation with you as its captive audience. It is time to reject that mess. Any of those things introduces the possibility of interrupting the obsession, and refocusing your energy on you and your recovery. Healing includes getting angry.
And you have every right to be angry at all aspects of the situation. And then the right to let it go and live your OWN life, not his. You deserve you own love and compassion most of all. It sounds like your situation was one thing and now it is another. In all of his situations, he is triangulating his relationships and feelings, lighting fires on every corner, staging crazy Shakespearean-style star-crossed tragedies, pitting people against one another, and overall just making a total disaster of his life, other peoples lives, and the neighborhood.
You deserve health, joy, honesty, consistency, clarity, confidence, and the love of your friends and family. Looking for revenge only returns the focus to him and good grief, he certainly has enough attention as it is! You have no control over what he thinks about you.. I remember when i was in therapy, i was so obsessed with talking about what HE was doing, what HE was thinking, HIS behavior, when finally my thereapist told me that she did not know HIM and was not there to analyze him, but to work on me and stop the obsessing..
I did it all.. It was one thing after the other and it dug me deeper and deeper into a hole i will never go back to.. I lost myself, felt like i was not worthy, could not put my head around what went wrong, how he turned, what i did. I have never felt so insecure in my life and it started while we were still together and the it was almost over. You will never find the answers. The best way to proof anything to him and yourself is to move on.. Chances are he is not thinking of you, he has too much other sht on his plate.. Once you heal within, your actions will will speak volumes to him about what a loser he is!!!
You have to want to move on.. These feelings must be getting old?.. You are doing good, no contact, but stop obsessing and get to therapy or a bookstore and start some self help…. I am so thankful that I found this site! I was recently devastated by an assclown and reading this and all the fantastic advice has actually begun to help me see what he really is!
Is it right to date someone new when you're not over your ex?
I am still in the friend mode, but I realize now that I need to do NC. I just cannot bring myself to do it. I am tired of the roller coaster of ups and downs. I hurt for the loss of my future with him. I need some help putting a plan into action and going forward with it. I think the only way to do this is with NC. Everytime I decide this is it, I cave when he calls, which he does times a day. He acts as though nothing is wrong and inside I am dying. I switched phone plans to block his.. I was not strong enough to ignore the calls, although it was not to that extent, but was also not strong enough to not call him especially after some cocktails..
I am so confused. I know this is the right thing to do in my head, espically after reading all the others that have done it, but how do you tell your heart that? Why do I keep holding onto hope? I am so much better then this clown and I know this! I get myself all prepared and ready to do it.
I pick a date, then he calls! Like a radar goes off. I have already begun not to see him as much. There is no sex anymore. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. When we ended things I was crushed, he called me 30 times that day to make sure I was ok. Then he tells me he loves me and I am the most amazing women he has ever known, and we have so much fun when we are together and he can talk to me about anything for hours and hours. Then why do you not want a gf right now? This is the statement that I cannot get out of my head to convince myself to stop talking to him altogether.
I did the same thing with the phone.. I really wish I had done the NC 2 months ago. I know that I am going to miss him so much. Even the thought makes me tear up! I also know that I cannot continue to live my life in this craziness. I am so happy then so sad in a matter of minutes. I am driving myself crazy.
As I type this he calls me and wants to see me tonight? Part of me wants to see him so much, but the more I do, the more pain I feel when he leaves. I cannot understand why these clowns cannot see what they are doing to us. When I brought up the idea last week of taking a break from each other…. I feel like I need a plan to occupy my mind.
We are here for you! But, we texted all day as much as we could. All you can tell your heart is that you are taking your life back. It is painful and excruciating. I held onto HOPE for the last 4 months. To this day, I naturally hold a little hope that he will come back around, but I have realized that after the first day of NC, he was too late. I have to live with that the rest of my life. It was then I knew. Please read my other posts. I heard the same crap from my assclown: I love you, want you, need you, all the day before he stopped talking to me!!!
He gives you just the crumb you need to keep you hanging on! If you are really ready, you could even tell him that it is over, then you have to be strong enough to maintain the NC, or if he has been an ass to you, just start the NC without an explanation. We can help you. My assclown who is 54 years old cried once too. I thought it was genuine at the time. He no longer has a need for me, because I finally demanded that he respect me and value my feelings and opinions. Guess he decided I was too much work. He has already moved on to the woman across the street.
Let us know how you are doing.