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- 5 years of dating, years of living together, no ring.
I waited TEN years to get engaged! I was 27 when I got engaged. If you love him and know he is the one, why the major rush? Just sit him down and ask him strait out when he wants to get married. You should be able to tell from his reactions what he really feels and thinks. I feel like a lot of women have it in their heads that after a certain amount of time, a proposal SHOULD come, if its ever going to.
That said, he needs to at least be sensitive to your feelings on this. Just talk to him, nicely. I love Belinichics suggestion. Some men are under the impression that once an engagement happens, a wedding needs to happen ASAP, and that thought may scare him.
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Maybe he needs to take baby steps? In the end, you need to decide if HE is worth the wait. That would most likely, not work in your favor. Why are you still with him? If marriage is that important to you, I think you should leave him now. Why bother dragging it out even longer? You could be dating and meeting someone else, someone who actually wants to marry you, in the time you hang on waiting for him to break another promise. The apartment can be sublet or whatever, just get out. Another option is to accept the relationship the way it is now, and let go of the idea of engagement completely.
Would you rather be with him, unmarried, or without him possibly married to someone else, or possibly alone forever? If you stay with him, make it very clear that you are sacrificing something important to be with him. Spell it out to him so he understands how much you value him. If you are truly committed to each other then you can build a life without being married. Either way, you definitely should not give him yet another chance to propose. Also, 32 is old to be dragging his feet. At 27 you just barely have enough time left to have a good shot at meeting someone else.
Honestly, if he really wanted to marry you, he would have proposed already. The other day there was a groom on the board talking about how he just got married and regretted his decision. He was also pushed into marriage. You guys have been together long enough that by now, he should know if he wants to marry you or not.
Maybe sit down with him and tell him what you want for your life. Find support, ask questions, swap stories, and follow brides planning real weddings here on Weddingbee. Closed 5 years of dating, 3. Any advice is appreciated. CaroBee 4 years ago Wedding: August My Darling Husband and I got engaged without a ring — though I later got one after we discussed what I wanted.
TheHappyWife 4 years ago Wedding: BelliniChic 4 years ago yool2ya: If I were in your shoes I would handle it like this. Good luck to you with whatever you decide. CatyLady 4 years ago Wedding: LittleKBee 4 years ago yool2ya: July I feel like a lot of women have it in their heads that after a certain amount of time, a proposal SHOULD come, if its ever going to. August Also, 32 is old to be dragging his feet.
MrsAB 4 years ago Wedding: August Honestly, if he really wanted to marry you, he would have proposed already. Get the best wedding inspiration, advice, and more from Weddingbee. I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing. When he would need to propose by. But it sounds like you might already be past the point of wasting your time.
Only you can decide that. Would he agree to a quiet civil wedding? Then maybe six months or a year later you can have a show wedding. I think it is the commitment itself that he is having trouble with. Informing him you're moving on since he doesn't want to get married isn't an ultimatum. Maybe he'd realize he does want to, maybe not. You can't wait around on him if he can't even tell you why. We need more information about these conversations. Do you bring up the topic of marriage, he says "in a year or two" and you just drop it? Or have you told him that this is important to you and you're feeling confused and hurt that he doesn't seem to want to marry you?
The idea that the woman is supposed to just sit around idly waiting for her BF to propose is BS. Maybe he's just oblivious. Or maybe he has serious misgivings about a future with you. Or maybe it's something in between. The point is, you don't know what's going on in his head because it seems like you haven't really tried to have a serious conversation about it. He definitely understands that it is important to me and he knows that I am considering leaving the relationship because of this issue. I do push for his reasoning, but he sticks to that he doesn't know, he just isnt ready.
He has insisted that his reservations are not because of me, but considering he isnt able to provide a legit reason, I'm starting to really believe he knows he doesn't want to marry me but is scared to say it since he knows I will leave. But that could also be me just being insecure It sounds like you've done your best to talk this out as thoroughly as possible.
My guess is that he's comfortable in the relationship, but he simply isn't going to marry you. It's just not that important to him. If he knows that you're thinking of leaving over it and he's still indifferent, I'd say he's made your decision for you. You need to sit down with him and have a long conversation.
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He needs to elaborate on what not ready means and you two need to establish a timeline. Maybe he's not ready because he wants to have more money saved, or be in a better position at work, or whatever. There are a lot of reasons why someone might want to wait for marriage, some more legitimate than others. Adults talk about their relationships, fears, expectations, etc. My boyfriend and I will have been together 4 years in February, and he doesn't seem any closer to proposing or "being ready" than he was 2 years ago.
I'll bring it up and he'll sorta shrug and say he just doesn't feel grown up enough to 'be married. If he still says no, then I'm leaving. I want to be married, I want kids, all that jazz and I think if after 5 years he doesn't know, he won't ever. I dono, I want the fairytale proposal as much as the next girl but if I was you id propose just to see if he needs that nudge. Set up a nice night, do the whole thing, get a ring, and propose.
It's putting your pride on the line but I like to think it's worth it for the guys we love. I don't agree with this advice, OP. Proposing is not worth it for 'the man you love' if they've given no indication that it'd be a welcome proposal and are, in all other ways, unwilling to commit. The issue here, besides, isn't the logistics, its the topic. He doesn't want to marry her and proposing herself is just another word for an ultimatum. I'd advise to spare the expense and heartache of a forced "yes" or awkward "no" and move on. After 5 years, if he doesn't know, he won't ever know.
OP, take him at face value and believe what he's saying: And it's OK to clearly express that. You need to make it clear that you are ready for your life to move toward marriage and having a family, and if he isn't then you plan to part ways, as difficult as that will be. I'm at this point too, although longer in and older.
It's really hard to leave and I don't have the courage yet. I know we aren't right together or else he wouldn't have so many excuses. Please be kind to yourself and leave - if you know, in your heart of hearts, that it's not right, its only fair to end it. I know its tough, BUT! I've watched a few friends end relationships like these and go on to be in happy, fulfilling, committed relationships where BOTH parties are on the same page.
He's waiting to see if someone better comes along. Don't be someone's second choice or backup plan. You said in another post you'd already set two different dates in your head and both have passed. There comes a time in some relationships when you either need to get married or break up.
You're at that fork now, and he doesn't want to get married, so that doesn't leave you with many other options. I was in a similar relationship for 2 years.
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It wasn't going anywhere. But in that time I got interested in Zen and started living by the mantra, desire is the source of all suffering. I put my desires house, marriage aside. At the 2 year mark, he left of his own accord.
No fights, no ultimatums, no dramas. It was sad and I grieved. I moved back to my parents. Three months later I put myself out there again. In a few weeks I meet a dreamboat, like the best guy ever. I went into this new relationship with a Zen mindset: I prefer to have these things, but I also know the happiness such worldly goods brings is fleeting. This new relationship has taught me how good a partnership can be.
You are bursting to give your partner happiness, and him you.
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It is not reviewing your time vs investment or meekly saying oh that would do me. I think the principles of no-desire, non-resistance and acceptance somehow empowered me to get out of a mediocre situation and into a beautiful one. The key here is to ask yourself this very important question. I agree with this. From a male perspective of someone that's in the same situation, the whole "deadline" seems a bit shallow to me.
If you have a good thing going and you're both happy, why introduce the stress and headache? I feel like a lot of women are brainwashed into believing they have to be married by 25 or life isn't complete Five years is a long time, but there is no rule or law that you should be engaged by now. I know everybody else is doing it, but still,m there's no rule or law. Two of my friends recently got married after eight years of being together, and they got engaged at seven years! IMO, it really is silly to throw all of this away over something a simple as a piece of paper.
Especially if you're happy in the relationship. People will say "If you're not engaged by now, or he isn't even mentioning it, he doesn't want to marry you. For all you know, he could already have a ring and has a date set in mind, and while you said you've only asked five times in the past years, the last one or two times, you could have asked when the date was near, and he got nervous you'd figure it out if he got into a deep discussion about it, therefore he's holding off some more.
I'm female, but guy will do that so that you have absolutely no idea. If you leave now, then it's going to take you a while to find somebody else That's isn't a direct personal hit, I just mean that you will need time to get over him, you'll spend time dating and finding 'the one', and then you'll have to waiting grueling years-again- waiting for a proposal. I know you're looking for any reason to stay right now, so let that be it. Thanksgiving is coming up, as is Christmas and New Year. He could even be planning to pop the question tomorrow. You just don't know. It's up to you what you do ultimately, but please don't read too much into people saying he doesn't want to marry you.
He doesn't evade the question, you said the most recent time, he said maybe in a year or two. If you're truly happy with him and you can see yourself married to him, is it really worth breaking everything up now, to go through this entire thing with somebody else who might not even compare? Yes, marriage is special and magical, but it really isn't the only thing in life. Stick in there, I know you can make it: And that's all fine for your friends and all, but OP has stated that she's not happy. That she wants marriage.
It will cause so so much heartache to think he'll propose at Thanksgiving. Every event and holiday will be a reminder that she's not fulfilled by her relationship and is waiting around for a guy who very very clearly does not want to marry her. He does not have a date. If half of what OP mentions is true, he simply does not want to marry her and waiting even longer and comparing her relationship to others will cause more angst and resentment.
It's not good advice to tell her "she can make it. More wasted years hoping for a commitment that'll never come? No, OP listen to the message he's sending, both overtly and subtly: Especially since OP wants children, do not waste any more years on ambivalence.
5 years of dating, years of living together, no ring.
So if she's not happy, then she knows what she should do. The female in my friends relationship wanted a proposal and marriage for ages, but she was an adult and waited out for it, because she loved him, and she knew it would come in time. She wasn't happy about waiting, when all her friends who had been in shorter relationships were getting engaged and married, but still, she stuck it out.
You cannot say so boldly that he simply does not have a date or a ring, just like I cannot state that he does have a date and a ring. If she's comparing her relationship to others, then she needs to hit the breaks. Nothing good ever comes from that, and no mature adult would get so upset over the fact. They would deal with the issue straight up. Every single person works on different time scheduling Re: It's also not good advice to tell her that he doesn't want to marry her, when you do not know that for a fact.
I don't know for a fact that he does want to marry her, but I wouldn't be so rude as to bold face suggest that that is the definite situation, when I don't know him. Stop being so damn cynical and telling her he doesn't want to marry her. You do not know him as a person, so cannot claim to know that he doesn't want to marry her. As I stated elsewhere, she should've had this discussion with him three, maybe four years ago. OP him with her. They didn't need to say they wanted to marry one another, but once they had been dating a while, or gotten serious, they should've had a discussion of what they wanted from the future.
If they did have that conversation and he stated back then that he didn't want marriage or kids, then she is stupid for letting it go on this long, and she should've left then. Like I said, I'm not saying for sure that he wants marriage, but I'm giving her that suggestion and advice that he very well could be. If you read carefully, I did not say "He wants to marry you, just wait for it and it'll come.
I'm not claiming anything solid, just merely giving an opinion of what the case could be. I'm not claiming that he wants marriage, like many other are claiming that he definitely does not want to marry her. None of us know him so cannot make either statement so boldly. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper--if it was, why wouldn't OP's boyfriend just go through with it? It's just a piece of paper that can be undone with another piece of paper. The fact of the matter is that marriage is a big emotional and financial commitment, and people who aren't on the same page about marriage have a serious incompatibility--even if they are completely compatible in every other way.
OP is ready to commit, which means she is in a completely different place than her boyfriend concerning current life goals and emotional needs. Neither of them are more more or less right about what they want--they are simply incompatible. Also, the fact that OP's boyfriend won't have a real discussion about the issue, even though he knows his lack of communication is bringing their relationship to a breaking point, is a serious, serious issue.
And no, she should not freaking wait around indefinitely in a relationship with serious compatibility issues because it's better than being single and starting over. Why the hell would you even suggest that? And the idea that he's already planning to propose but is blowing off OP's talks about marriage to the point where he knows she might break up with him over it?
If that is true, OP's real problem is that she's dating a crazy person. For one, OP referred to it herself as just a piece of paper, and two, with your comment of "It's just a piece of paper that can be undone with another piece of paper. Yes, I understand that marriage is a big emotional and financial commitment, but that doesn't alter the fact that aside from the commitment, marriage literally is just a piece of paper that says that you are married.
People reach the point of wanting the same thing, at different times. By the sounds of OP, being single would put her in the same predicament- She is ready to get married this second, so whether she is with him or not, she will still want to get married soon. Opinions differ for sure, but I would never ask somebody "why the hell" they suggested something. If she's willing to break things off with him because he hasn't proposed yet, then I think she also has some issues of her own. She clearly doesn't feel content in the relationship if she's feeling this strongly about getting married