Dating a guy whos been hurt

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  1. Why Dating Someone Who's Been Hurt Before Is Worth the Effort
  2. This Is How You Love Someone Who Has Been In A Toxic Relationship | Thought Catalog
  3. More From Thought Catalog
  4. How to Communicate to a Man Who Has Been Hurt Emotionally

However, that does not mean that men are incapable of being emotionally hurt. Because masculine communication tendencies are different, communicating with an emotionally hurt man requires different tactics than communicating with an emotionally hurt woman. These tactics, rarely covered in mainstream conversation as a result of stereotypical perceptions of masculine strength, can help break through the barriers built in the wake of emotional pain.

Give the man some space.

Men in pain often need time alone to process their pain. Attempting to broach a painful subject before the man is ready may cause him to retreat even further into his shell, making communicative progress difficult to achieve. Lead into the conversation with a pleasant, light topic. If you can make the man smile or laugh, you will have put him at ease. This makes it easier for him to discuss his pain with you. When tense or immersed in his pain, his guard will be up. This defensiveness is a learned defense mechanism. In masculine communication, men are taught to conceal emotions unless in the presence of a trusted confidante, as emotions are construed as a sign of weakness.

Indicate that you are concerned because you have noticed he has seemed distracted. Do not convey that you think he has seemed sad or upset, as this may be perceived as a poor reflection of his manhood, causing him to become defensive and shut down. Emphasize how strong he is in your eyes, playing to his need to feel manly, and tie that perception into your concern.

Your perception of him as strong should be the reason that the otherwise insignificant behavioral changes caused you to worry about him. Listen emphatically to anything he may be willing to share. If he opens up, what you say verbally is far less important than what you say with your nonverbal actions. If you suspect some past pain is still haunting him, you may want to gently inquire about his dating history. You can encourage this conversation by honestly sharing some of your own vulnerable experiences and see if that opens him to do the same.

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Why Dating Someone Who's Been Hurt Before Is Worth the Effort

Ask questions and allow him to talk. Respect his thoughts and feelings and recognize that he may not have shared them with anyone before. Be careful not to offer advice and solutions. This will often shut a person down. If you want someone to open up, take a stance of curiosity and non-judgment.

Validate his feelings and offer empathy where appropriate. While it may be helpful for him to share his feelings, he needs to do his own healing work and take responsibility for his own unfinished business. If he is not willing to do this, he may not be the best candidate for a relationship. His unresolved pain will surface at some point and become part of the present relationship. While past baggage resurfaces for us all to a certain extent in relationships, it is important to choose a partner who is willing to consciously grow and heal. This will also give you some indication if he would be willing to work on his relationship with you when the going gets tough or if he will simply sweep things under the rug or walk away.

If you eventually feel that his past pain is becoming too burdensome, you may need to reconsider if you want to remain in the relationship. Unhealed wounds can create toxic feelings and behaviors that become sabotaging and destructive. This would be true in the case of a man who has addictive behaviors such as alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, porn addiction, work addiction, etc. Any addiction is an escape from painful feelings that are deeply buried.

Being in a relationship with a man who is not dealing with his unhealed pain in this way can waste years of your life.

This Is How You Love Someone Who Has Been In A Toxic Relationship | Thought Catalog

It can be tricky to find the balance between compassion and acceptance for a man with unhealed pain and staying in a dead end relationship with a toxic partner. Tread this terrain consciously and get the help of a therapist or coach if you feel you cannot be objective. They are often sensitive, sweet and caring. Take time to get to know them, including what happened to them. Let them talk about their dating or mating experiences at their own pace. Ask them questions, but be sensitive to the fact that it may be painful talking about it.

If they seem highly uncomfortable sharing, respect that and back off. Maybe they were a victim or maybe there were things they did that caused someone to reject or abandon them.

More From Thought Catalog

Listen for the entire story before thinking that you really understand what happened. Simply listen with curiosity and see what they learned from the experience. The goal is to let him know that you understand being emotionally wounded. But, be careful not to go overboard and make the discussion all about you. You have your stories and he has his. Note their similarities and differences. Check in often with how he thinks the relationship is going. If you like him a great deal, tell and show him. Try not to give in to these behaviors.

A relationship based on dishonesty will never work. It is very difficult and often impossible to change this kind of mindset even for a therapist! When a man has been hurt in a past relationship, he will tend to do the same thing that a would woman do Being vulnerable is a scary place to be, so the first thing that humans opt for, is to protect themselves from potential pain, humiliation, shame, rejection. Unfortunately, choosing protection over trusting in your partner can cause further pain and disrupt a relationship's growth.

I asked a few men what they felt the best advice for women is, regarding their experience of being hurt in the past and what worked best for them to heal from the pain. What I found sounds very similar to what we as women do when we have been hurt.

Remember how vulnerable you felt when you were hurt and how you tried to hide your pain in the new relationship. Just being heard helped you to build trust again. He didn't need to say anything, really. You just needed to be heard and when he could understand why a certain issue in the relationship was hard on you, he was more understanding to your reaction.

When you know what causes him pain, you can anticipate it coming at times. Be sensitive and ask him how this situation makes him feel, that he is safe to share those feelings with you and together, you can build a deeper relationship by helping him to heal. It may seem that he is sharing so little with you, but remember he is building up his trust with you and you don't want to thwart that effort from him with being frustrated with a slow go of it at the beginning.

This process is laying new foundation for him, that he can firmly stand on and build again. Never, ever, ever use anything that he has shared with you against him. It is not fair and the inner turmoil of you turning his words on him could be devastating and quite cruel.

How to Communicate to a Man Who Has Been Hurt Emotionally

It doesn't mean he gets to use his past hurt as an excuse to refuse to deal with the issues, but he may need a little more time to process and feel safe with you. Reminders that you are there to help support him and heal this wound are very helpful. Write down, for yourself, the positive changes you see him making. His subtle changes and healing, in the absence of writing them down, can easily go undetected.

When you are watching for them and noting them, you can really see progress. Have a special date night and share with him all of the advancements he has made. It will be a very special surprise. Relationships are never perfect, so there will inevitably be some hurts and disappointments. And, of course, if a person is coming out of an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, there is bound to be quite a lot of unresolved pain. How intensely and how often that pain affects you and your interactions will have a big effect on the quality of your relationship with him.

Can he talk about his feelings—not just act them out? Does he tend to act toward you like he did with the person who hurt him? Is he using alcohol or drugs to deaden the pain instead? Not a good direction. This never works because in the long run, the pain will fester and eventually do harm to your relationship. Does he get angry at you for things someone in a past relationship did? Does he expect you to treat him, the way he was hurt in the past? Does he avoid getting close because he could be hurt again?

Are you blaming yourself for his feelings? Do you jump in and try to FIX his feelings? Also, if you feel responsible for his feelings, you can end up feeling really resentful or getting into fights, which can taint your future together. Instead, assess whether the rest of the relationship is good enough to put up with his difficult feelings on occasion. Healing an old relationship while in a new one can take a lot of time and energy from the new one. Only you can decide if his problems are too much for you.

All relationships have many components, which make them wonderful and fulfilling. But things don't always go smoothly.

The answer is simply this: How do you do this? How do you know if your guy is harboring resentments that need to be cleared and cleaned up from his past? You will be experiencing his strong negative feelings that are expressed subtly or even aggressively towards you. Unless he faces what his feelings are, you will be living with the insecurity and anxiety of an unstable relationship.

So, suggest he seek help from a therapist, relationship coach, therapy-group, clergy, workshops, CDs, books and the myriad of other resources available on the internet to give him some guidance and direction on the steps he can take to improve things. With awareness he can face his fears and enhance your relationship. With your support, encouragement, understanding and acceptance, your relationship can move in a positive, more rewarding direction, but it may take time and patience.

Also remember that you may be harboring relationship baggage from your past, too. By doing your inner work, you also become aware of any unfinished business and resentments. These are the things you want to take care of so you can pave the way for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship ahead.

Unless this is his first relationship, he has probably experienced some hurt in the past. Probably you have too. Two unrelated people are trying to figure out how to be together. By definition, there will be differences between people. Figuring out how to come together as a couple takes maturity and compromise and sometimes involves pain. Some people lie and cheat and do any number of things that are really very hurtful.

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The best defense against this type of behavior is to be honest with yourself about what you are seeing in another person. No matter how careful you are, you are likely to make some errors in judgment and end up hurt. They have to have healed sufficiently from past hurts to be able to hold up to the uncertainty that all relationships present.

They have to be able to be open and non-defensive to be able to get anything out of a new relationship. If you are seeing someone who seems to be holding back, ask him if he is ready to move forward. He owes it to you and to himself to be honest about his ability to fully participate in a relationship. If the timing is off, let him go and move on. You may not, except with express written permission, distribute or commercially exploit the content.

Nor may you transmit it or store it in any other website or other form of electronic retrieval system. Learn Why Men Pull Away. There is a deep-seated "Gap" in communication that very few women or men understand. To be truly irresistible to a man, you MUST understand this gap, and the way feelings of love get confused and entangled in a man's mind Follow the below steps. We all carry our past experiences into our current relationships.

First of all, sloooow down. Follow the 3 tips below. The guy down the street. And in this case, your man. Put Yourself in the Hot Seat As women, we like to think we have all the answers and that we know when our partner is upset. Men are not as able to talk about their feelings as we are. So, take responsibility for how you think he feels. Ask what you can DO. Is there anything I can DO to help you? The key is to not let him reenact his painful past with you. Most importantly take it slow.

Take it slow, give him space and practice self-care. Most of us have been hurt to varying degrees in our past relationships. Follow the below tips. Express your feelings to him. A formula that can help for most effective communication is: Describe the facts of the situation from an objective viewpoint. Express what YOU feel. Negotiate and be willing to compromise. Ask him what he needs. See your partner for who he is. On the other hand, if: You have feelings for your partner. You see the potential in the relationship.

Without attachment to the outcome. Sharon Craig, Relationship Coach — www. Be gentle and inquisitive. I would be careful to not try and be his therapist. Follow the 5 tips below. Be sensitive but honest Check in often with how he thinks the relationship is going. Follow the 6 tips below.