- Would you be cool with your father dating someone much younger than him? | Lipstick Alley
- Would you be cool with your father dating someone much younger than him?
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Berryman believes that although the behaviours of parents and their offspring have become far more blurred than in the past, we still value boundaries. That's why people don't want to act too similarly to their parents any more than they want their parents to act too similarly to them. It's also why people don't want them going out with men or women our age any more than we would have wanted them dancing at the school disco when we were teenagers.
While all this rings true, there must be a reason for me finally coming to terms with the age of my father's girlfriends. On reflection, I think it's a combination of two factors. The first is an acceptance that this is who my dad is and who am I to judge him? We have a close relationship and he has made such an effort to get to know my husband, which has helped. And second, I'm older. At 22, the gap between me and people of my dad's age seemed enormous. His girlfriends not seeming to feel like that only served to make me feel more immature.
But now, aged 36, I have plenty of friends his age, so this is no longer a problem. I can even remember the girlfriend that marked the turning point - Josie. Not only was Josie the first one I allowed myself to really like, but I still can't remember if she was slightly younger or older than me. Believe me, that speaks volumes.
If there's any area I still struggle with, however, it's how my father sees women. I would bet money on him never dating a woman over 40, which can only mean that he thinks that for a woman to be worthwhile, she has to be youthful. I'm left with two prickly feelings about this - as a feminist, it makes me frustrated, and as a daughter it makes me feel that as the big starts to get closer for me, I am becoming something of a disappointment to him. Jacqui Marson, a psychologist, says that for some people - particularly those whose parent suddenly starts dating people younger than them - it can even affect their own choice of relationships.
Marson adds that a parent's sudden interest in younger partners can also make their offspring wonder if they ever knew their parent at all, and ultimately question the basis of that relationship. More shocking still for me was that he was going against the very morals and values he'd taught me as a child. Both these things made me feel confused and angry with him.
Then one of the girlfriends, who was 19, moved in with his dad. She even painted the walls black and red and put posters of George Michael up. There were teenage sulks too. It was really hard to know how to relate to her and that made the times we were altogether pretty awkward. As the months went on, Thomas began to believe that this awkwardness suited the girlfriend. She wanted the older man, but she didn't want everything that came with that.
Indeed, be pleasant and bland. Thank her, but make it clear that you've got tons of ideas for what you plan to get him. Resist any urge to be unpleasant, but also make sure that you're laying the groundwork for a relationship with her that makes you as comfortable as possible without unnecessary weirdness festering and distancing you from your father. It sounds to me like you are handling this okay.
If my dad was dating someone my age, that would be kind of creepy to me, too. But it's his life so you just have to deal with it and secretly judge him and be annoyed. You're really not going to be able to change his mind on this and trying too hard can only be wrong. Stating once that the age difference is a little off putting to you and you need some time before meeting her would probably be fine.
I would be so grossed out and confused and feel icky, too. I totally hear you. I am sort of surprised that everyone is all, "grow up," because it seems natural to feel weird about that AND to compare the situation to the horrifying babysitter debacle, because the babysitter was probably closer to your age, then, too. Can she match his intellect? Stand up to his occasional bull-headedness?dswijaya.com/sitemap9.xml
Would you be cool with your father dating someone much younger than him? | Lipstick Alley
Forget winning your heart for now. Try to find out if she is these things on your "wish list for Dad's new lady. At that point, you might find that she is fun and even an ally in modernizing or youthful-izing your dad or something, and you may enjoy her. Maybe she'll teach your dad to text! To upload videos to Youtube! Also, she might help him understand YOU more, which would be a bonus. Good luck, and I would be surprised and grossed out, too, if that helps. I wouldn't recommend making your Dad choose between his daughter who wants him to act his age and the woman who's making him feel young.
That's really all you can do. Accept the fact that in one pretty significant aspect your dad isn't that great of a person, but luckily that aspect of his personality doesn't necessary have to impact him being your father. You are entirely right that this is gross, it really really is but there is nothing you can do about it. In response to her email I would keep it very short, but very perky. Something that will let her know that you aren't interested in become penpals, but also is friendly.
I would go with: I never know what to get him either! Sorry I couldn't be more help, I'll let you know if I come up with any ideas! Her dad left her mom when she was a senior in high school for a woman I think was 21, maybe Her dad was at least in his late 50's. The girl in question barely spoke English and worked in a department store that he owned, it was rough.
The way she handled it was just to do everything she could to bypass the situation all together. She called and emailed instead of visiting, although she did visit occasionally and I believe to this day they have never discussed it. Yeah it creeps her out, but she told me once that she had to make a choice to either have her father in her life or not. While I think she came close to disowning him entirely, she decided she still wanted her father in her life, even if he was not the kind of father she wanted or necessarily even the kind of man she could respect.
I can understand this must feel uncomfortable for you, all the way around. That is a completely normal thing. Have you ever had to meet a new significant other's family? From what I can remember, it is pretty nerve-wracking right? Now imagine you are in a non-conventional relationship and you have to meet the family. If that doesn't put the "hey I am reaching out" email into perspective for you I don't know what will. The fact of the matter is, no matter what age someone is, it is god damn tough to find someone that you can tolerate, let alone love.
Do you really want to take that away from your father because it makes you feel icky? Others have told you it's none of your business and yes, you should get over yourself.
But I don't care about that. My problem with your question is that this supporting-but-disapproving stuff is a lie. You're either lying to him, or to both of you, but you are lying. He loves you, he loves her. What's he supposed to do? Have you noticed how uncomfortable things are between you? It sucks doesn't it? Well it's harder for him. He can't talk to you about the things that they do together that make him happy, because he's afraid you'll give him that look or lecture him.
He doesn't want to hurt either of you! Have any gay friends? This is Thanksgiving time. Don't do this to him if you love him. You say you are close but if you persist, you won't be anymore. If you make him choose, he'll choose the one whose hand is not twisting the knife in his heart.
I am not yet old enough to have made mistakes 35 years ago but when I am, I hope my loved ones will forgive me.
Well it looks like I'm bitter about this. But it's a real answer and perspective I think you should have. By the way, has everyone noticed that Thanksgiving is coming up? To be bluntly honest, the only person that's coming off creepy, based on whats been written, is you. I know this may sound harsh or outlandish, but bear with as I explain, please. Keep in mind that my parents have been divorced for decades and my mom recently remarried.
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While I worried over her growing old alone, at no time was it wrenching and I would never describe her in a way similar to this: Sure they're all human and have thoughts and desires, but that was a part of them that I never knew and that's fine. I'm not supposed to know. So when you express disappointment about your dads choice, I have to wonder what's going on that makes you care so much and I say this as both a son and father. I may not like who my kids date, but it's not my choice or concern, other than them being happy and being treated properly.
It's not my concern to evaluate how they'll be perceived and whether they'll be able to "land a good catch. Now, this may seem as though I'm saying you have some sexual interest in your dad, but I'm not. I DO think you have certain expectations of your father, especially considering his past behavior and the fact that he's not living up to them is really upsetting you.
Also, there may be unresolved feelings about your dad being the cause of your parents divorce that are echoing in this relationship. Whether that's true is up to you to figure out.
Would you be cool with your father dating someone much younger than him?
Either way, let it go. He's 64 and knows death is rushing towards him. Let him sow a few oats if he can and stick to loving him as only a daughter can. Your dad has found someone he loves, and I'm assuming his girlfriend has too. They are in a relationship together. Seeing as how this isn't a three-way, polygamous relationship, what concern is it of yours who he is sleeping with? Both apparently doing each other some good?
Are you really going to let a number come between you and your father like this? I am half of a age-differenced couple. My husband is about 15 months younger than my mother, and older than me by 22 years. We started dating when I was 22, so he was double my age in the start. Please don't be creeped out by your father's GF. If this woman makes your father happy, so be it.
They will get enough judgements on their age difference by acquaintences and snide comments from nosy people through out the world, trust me. The last thing they want, assuming this is a long term relationship, is to get similar vibes from you. I'm banging some young chick! If you want some advice on how my husband's family reacted, my email is in my profile. They were not so kind as my family initially. Your dad will do as he damn well pleases regardless of your approval or disapproval, I'm guessing-- because he's gone through plenty of his own personal turmoil over his marriage, his divorce, and his infidelity, and probably doesn't need someone else telling him how he ought to feel and how he should act upon those feelings.
You, too, will do as you damn well please, but it really sounds to me like your father's infidelity shook your faith in him and shit, something like that would do that to any child and you're still not entirely certain how much you trust him to do the ethical and appropriate thing.
The age difference between your dad and his SO maybe isn't the actual issue-- how you're coping with his previous follies and the eventual collapse of your parents' marriage, though, that might be the issue. I'd be showering eight times a day for the rest of my life if I found out my father was screwing my underage babysitter, honestly, all other issues you've discussed aside.
Denoucing this woman as "trying on the step-mommy role" is kind of silly for a person your age, isn't it? I've said this in other threads but I know whereof I speak -- the gods of irony dump a lot of never-saw-it-coming stunning shit on one's head over the course of a lifetime. Quit looking for trouble. Be gracious, raise your glass, give a Thanksgiving toast that your dad is here in the flesh, yours to love, and someone else recognizes that he is worth loving. The ONLY thing is that she's 36? I could see if she was in her 20s, and even then - you know, some people have old souls.
It's a perfectly respectable age, and 60 is not what we thought 60 was when we were 12 and looking at our grandparents. If you said that you thought she only wanted his money, if you said she was unkind to him, if you said she was stupid and butt-ugly They are odd and delightful.
You haven't even met this woman, so what makes you think she's not a great match for him? And when you add to the picture that you only see him twice a year.. Giving Christmas present advice is not being a stepmom. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your dad hasn't liked your past few gifts and so he was hoping to use her as an intermediary?
Maybe her emailing you was HIS idea? If you spend a week with them and come back and tell us she's turned him into her sex slave, then we'll talk. And, kindly, I think you have had a lot of things stirred up by this - not that it's your father's fault, it's just happened - and you might benefit with some short-term talk therapy. Just to get it all out. This is frankly absurd. The OP might have some say if she were still living at home or if the younger partner in this "May"-December romance weren't approaching middle age , but Anonymous lives far from her father and everyone involved is well into adulthood so whatever this relationship may have looked like 25 years ago is moot.
It's happening now, wish him well now, and--if you need to--keep your distance from now on. I think people are being very harsh with you and devaluing your feelings. You can feel whatever you want people! How you behave with your father or his girlfriend is another matter. As someone who is going through a VERY similar situation at the moment, I have developed the following strategy.
I turn to my partner and other close friends to process his new relationship. In these relationships I can be myself, vent my feelings and frustrations and have a sympathetic ear. But I am supportive of my dad's new relationship in all of my conversations with him. He actually started a new relationship in the midst of breaking up with his partner of 24 years. His friends are judging him and he is feeling very alone right now.
I need to be there for him and part of that is being supportive of his new relationship, no matter how Jerry Springer-esque it is. The plus, is that I'm actually getting closer to my father. I too am equally far away from him and see him twice a year, but the whole situation has gotten me to be much more regularly in touch with him. And he seems to be very appreciative of it right now.
Now I haven't met the new woman but I am really trying to think positively, try to see that she is bringing him happiness, and to be as genuine as I can. Here you sound like you're 24, if that. Would you pass up a wonderful loving relationship with someone because they were, say, 22? Because of what other people might say?
Or is there some other reason that we're all missing here? To me it sounds like you never did really forgive your father for his original fuckup. There was some healing, but now he's ripped the wound open again without actually doing anything wrong. Otherwise, you'd be happy for him now, not creeped out. I think you'll have to deal with that old wound before you can deal with this. In the meantime, try not to burn any bridges. I understand being creeped out. I don't blame you. But it's not a horrible thing that he's doing, it's just a thing that's making you uncomfortable.
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I think if you got to know her, and went ahead and met her, it would help to do away with the creep factor. Right now, she's an abstract idea of your former classmates, but she's an actual person with a job and likes and dislikes and a history like the rest of us. She's also probably as uncomfortable with the situation as you are. The only thing you can really do with situations like that is dive in and get used to the water. If you were 17 and she were 19, sure. Just don't lie or hurt anyone. So yeah, I'd be okay with it. I don't think I would have a huge issue with it, if it wasn't someone I knew.
Like someone I went to highschool with? As long as you do right by my dad I don't want chick to slip up and tell me details Nope, but I couldn't do anything about it. I'm at an age where I don't care.
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If I were a minor or early twenties, then I probably would, but I'm not really around the women my Dad dates, so it wouldn't bother me as long as he isn't trying to act like he's much younger than his age to fit in with her. My dad dates women around my age.
It doesn't bother me at all. All my friends have been trying to fuck him since we been in high school. But as long as he keeps his distance from them we will be cool. I don't see what the issue is. At the end of the day, hes your parent, you're not his, so while he loves you, your opinion means little.
He's been doing this whole life thing a lot longer than you, so if he hasnt figured out how to make the best choices in love at 60, not much you will say can dissuade him. The woman is not a child, or barely legal, so if I were you I wouldn't give it much attention. The more you fight it, the more he will want her. My dad is 57 and his wife is 35, she is just 2 years older than my big sis, but we don't make a big deal out of it she acts like she was at least 10 years older.
If she was less than 30 we wouldn't agree with it. When you do the math and you're working with Black people considering we age magnificantly, it can work. Longs he stay away from any age that begins with a 2, he can work with it without receiving any backlash from me.
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